The Least You Need To Know: After her baptism by fire at Jesus camp with Jake's ex-Lissa, Jenna decides she must forgive herself her trespasses, and that she and Matty can be friends...that is until she sees him sniff his pits over some freshman bimbette.
The Set-Up: Valentine's Day, great and terrible, the day all singletons fear the worst, even more than NYE, has come to pass at Palos Hills High. A KStew situation is going down in the quad prompting a severe case of PTXD--Post Traumatic Ex Disorder. Of which Tamara is also still in the throes of over douche-flame Ricky. But not Jenna, cause she's got Sweetheart Jake, so this year she's a Lover not a Hater.
The Sagging Middle: Matty comes to her for perfect date tips. For Jake perhaps? Jenna gives him pointers. Then Sweetheart Jake arrives with some kind of cutesy, cute stuffed thing. (Guys, just...no.) It's a Love Bug, he proclaims, but Jenna's too preoccupied scoping out the freshman bimbette Matty's whispering sweet nothings to. She's tall, blonde--your basic nightmare. So, what's the sitch on Matty and the bimbette? Dating? Nah, assures Jake, he's getting ready to tap that like a keg of Natty Light at a moontower party.
Elsewhere, Sadist Sadie proclaims her loathing of Vday, but when Jake's ex-Lissa invites her over for their annual viewing of Mean Girls, Sadie passes. (By the by, loving Lissa's new backbone). During lunch, Ming reveals that instead of doing cyanide shots with Tamara she's going to the BHP--the infamous Black Hearts Party. Squee! Take me, Tamara begs. No way, says Ming, Ricky S is gonna be there and the rumor from the Tong is he's in lurve. Jenna, however, can't concentrate on anything except the bimbette. Guys, is she cute? she asks. Um, hells yeah, T & Ming concur. Whatever. I'm not jealous, Jenna tells Crazy Cakes. Who is she kidding? Not even herself.
Cute Dad drops Jenna back home and she informs him their annual father/daughter date is on pause this year because of Sweetheart Jake. In walks Lacey. Totally awkward family reunion ensues, but Cute Dad's not into it. Jenna smarts off about her mom's shenanigans with Crazy Cakes, so Lacey drops the mom-block: curfew's at 10.
It's the perfect date with the perfect boy at the perfect restaurant. Everything's perfect, perfect, perfect...scraaaatch. Matty's there, bimbette in tow. At the table a deux right next to theirs. Gotta be a total setup, right? Bimbette meet Jenna-with-the-big-green-eyes.
The Black Hearts Party is raving. Douche-flame Ricky tosses Tamara a casual howdy-do, sending T into a tailspin of cheap booze and dry humping with randoms.
At the double-date from hell, Jenna's plate is full of something guaranteed to send her into anaphalactic shock. No worries. Matty steps in to take it off her hands. Hey, how does he know and I don't? wonders Sweetheart Jake. Meanwhile Matty spoonfeeds Bimbette, who practically fellates the fork. Jake's a nervous wreck about this train wreck V-date. Then Jenna totally emasculates him when he wants to buy her a posy from Eliza Doolittle but regrets it when Matty buys tulips for the bimbette. Jenna, pick a team already! And speaking of teams, talk at the table turns to football as romance takes a backseat to bromance. Bimbette leans in for a girl-to-girl gab session - I cannot believe I'm on a date with Matty McKibben! That makes two of us, bemoans Jenna.
Back at the BHP, Tamara continues her downward spiral into Fatal Attraction territory, but pauses for Mings first red cup photo op courtesy of Fred Woo.
Across the table, Jake takes Jenna's hand. Ha! Suck on that Bimbette, you'll never get this with Matty--oops! my napkin. J ducks and finds not only her lost linen, but some Undercover DA at the other table. Crack!! Head meet table. Jenna consoles herself that at least what she saw was hidden, except...now it isn't. Matty's hand. Bimbette's hand. Entwined. Right there for God and Jenna to see. She flees to confess her seething jealousy to Tamara's VM. Matty shows up with napkin of ice for her bump. Thanks for the date pointers, he says. See, he IS totally trying to make me jealous, Jenna believes. But, nah, he just wants this to be legit with Bimbette, not like he was with her. Jenna sad. Then in rides Sweetheart Jake with an ice pack. (Not gonna lie--I feel totally sorry for Jake, but also I kinda wanna slap him.)
Ming is totally getting down with Fred Woo, until distraught Tamara sits down for the cockblock. Okay, wrap this up, Ming, while I pee and we're gonna jet. But, of course, the line for the ladies' room is four effin' miles long. Tamara makes for the door and bangs on it. We must pee!! Door flies open to reveal--dundundun!--Sadist Sadie's tongue down Douche-Ricky's throat. Anguished, Tamara's sphincter can hold no more.
Denounement: Ext. Hamilton House. Great date! Jenna assures Jake. Def better than what my Dad had planned, exhibit A: he left a Love Bug for her on the porch, identical to the one Jake gave her earlier. (Dear God, Jenna, don't you see--Jake is just like your dad. Freud, anyone?) Jake presents her with a bouquet of calla lilies--strong and beautiful, just like you, he croons. Way better than tulips, she says. Oops, was that out loud? Don't screw this up, she tells herself. Jake is perfect, perfect, perfect. I love you, Jenna, he professes. Big smile, big kiss, and...Awesome!?! No ditto, no vice-versa, just awesome. Jake leaves, crushed.
Lacey: You're late.
Jenna: Here's a gift from Dad. It's a love bug.
Lacey clings to it like the last life preserver on the Titanic. In Jenna's room, Tamara is sobbing undercover. No more tears, T, cause Sadie & Ricky deserve each other. You have to move on, Jenna preaches. I have (since when, Jenna?) and so should Matty, she thinks. (Easy to say when the bimbette isn't around...)
Best Matty/Jenna moment: When he takes whatever it is off her plate and tells Jake she's allergic.
Best phrase I'm going to start using: Darth Hater