Awkward 2x9 Recap: Homewrecker Hamilton

Sorry about last week's missed post--beach vacation got in the way. I'll get back to it at some point.

Awkward 2x9: Homewrecker Hamilton Summary and Review in 1000 words or less

The Least You Need to Know: At Aunt Ally's wedding, Sadie told Jake everything. Subsequently, Jake kicked Jenna to the curb just moments after she declared her love via VM. Upon hearing the news Matty rushed right over to comfort his friend J-Town, with his lips...while Jake peeped from outside. Dundundun! Also, Lacey's Ben = Matty, not Jake. Ah, foreshadowing.

The Set-Up: 2 days post-breakup, Jenna's staying at Cute Dad's place updating IamJenna.com and bemoaning her loss. Why, Jake, why? Except for the moments when she's reminiscing her Matty makeout session. Phone rings. Not hers. Some chick for her dad. WTW? No time to ponder though cause Cute Dad's bought her a new old car. Noooooo! Big gift means the big D for her parents, right? Ding. Finally, Jake returns one of her texts...Oh. Shite. It's a pic of her and Matty en flagrante delipto. Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater.

The sagging middle: At school, in the Jenna wagon, Tamara and Ming weigh in on the pic sitch: Holy! Shite! Jenna argues her innocence--the Matty mack down did not occur until post-dump. She's clear on a technicality. Now to explain the timeline to Jake. Easier said than done. He holes up in the john to avoid her.

Meanwhile, in my absolute fave storyline of this so-so season, Becca, leader of the PHH Asian mafia materializes at Ming's locker with test answers, Ming's missing glasses, and her locker combo. Where's Fred Woo? Ming asks. Fred who? Never heard of him, Becca replies.

Jake finally exits the can and Jenna declares her innocence-on-a-technicality. Too little, too late. I know everything! Jake states. Oh, Holy. Shite!! Matty, too,  exclaims when Jenna shows him the pic and the relates the new status quo. How did this happen?? You're welcome, offers Sadist Sadie. You're a bitch, replies Matty. Thanks for the compliment, but you're the villain here, retorts Sadie. You kept big time secrets from your BFF.

Jake refuses to talk to either of them, and no one is talking to Ming, including Fred Woo. And her test answers were wrong. Has she been disavowed by the Asian Mafia, Tamara wonders. In the quad, it's time for Wheel. Of. Pep. hosted by the scorned sophomore class prez, Jake. Jenna volunteers in a bid to make him hear the truth: all the Matty goodness happened pre- and post-Jake.(How that's supposed to make things better, IDK). Why don't we bring up your partner-in-cuckoldry, too? says Jake. Come on down, Matty McKibben!

Once on stage, things get ugly faster than a Sadie/Ricky makeout sesh. Kiss Matty, slut! taunts Jake. Step off, Matty defends J-Town's honor, garnering a right hook from Jake. Then another taunt and punch. And another. Until Matty cold clocks his BFF and oh-so-classily declares "I Effed Your Girlfriend" in front of the whole school.

This lands the boys before VP Crazy Cakes for arbitration. Matty takes the fall for the fight and for Jenna's cheatin ways. Jake delares their friendship finito. And then in the most effed up move of the season, Jenna, who just two days before was wondering whether her residual feelings for her ex-luvah were the reason for her reticence in saying the L-word to her current squeeze, bypasses said chivalrous ex-luvah in favor of the guy who is publicly proclaiming her Hester Prynne, the sequel. Sad-faced Matty breaks my heart.

In the sanctuary, Ming is waiting for a skulking Fred Woo. Shhh! he says. I like you, so I can't talk to you. Ever. Why? Ming wants to know. Becca's my ex and she's going ninja on your ass. You're in danger, girlfriend.

Jenna has a new moniker: KStew Homewrecker Hamilton (Though I'm still unsure how this particular name applies. What home's were wrecked?) Also, she's now driving the Slut!-mobile.This sends Lacey over the edge. How could Cute Dad buy you a car without my input? she moans. Cause he most likely wants a divorce, Jenna reveals. Lacey sad.

Denouement: IamJenna.com update: Jenna's a wreck. But Anon convinces her that maybe s/he shouldn't be the only one privy to Jenna's private thoughts. Next day, Tamara reveals that Jenna's blog has gone wide. Everybody knows everything. Result: Jake's ex-Lissa is pleased; Kyle declares Jenna Lives is back together; Jake is...humiliated. And so is Matty.

Who did this? indignant Tamara demands. I did, stuns Jenna.

In Review: This week was the villanization of Jake, the transformation of Matty from pussy to warrior, and the set-up for Jenna to choose...neither. Yes, I'm afraid the writers are going to go with the old "I choose me" scenario ala the original YA tv love triangle, 90210. Because Jenna can't pick either without coming off as a bitch.  My predictions for the rest of the season are thus: Jenna will not make Sophie's choice; Matty will have a relationship with the bimbette; Lissa will make a play to get back humiliated Jake; Lacey and Cute Dad will reconcile. Matty and Jenna's reunion will be fodder for season 3.

Please, for once, let my writerly instincts be wrong!!

Best Matty/Jenna moment: Holy shite! moment at Matty's locker when he reminds Jenna that her lips were pretty involved, too.

Best lines: Two guys, fighting over a girl is...a fantasy for some women.

Awkward Epi 2x7:

Another One Bites The Dust Summary and Review in 1000 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: Jenna's feelings for Jake are befuddled, and sex may just be the answer. But not right now. Cause Aunt Ally's getting married! To Sadie's uncle? What!

The Set-Up: Ah, her wedding day...the day all little girls dream about since their first Disney movie.  Jenna's wondering about hers while at the bridal shop waiting for Aunt Ally to emerge in what she, Sadie, Lacey and some prego chick bridesmaid are betting will be some Miley Cyrus-inspired gown. Except it's totally classy, and hey, so are the bridesmaid dresses. Maybe this won't be so bad... Hold the phone--what is that fuscia floral monstrosity?? That's for you, flower bitch, Ally tells Jenna.

Tamara tells her not to worry, just have the requisite pervy old uncle at the wedding get you drinks and you'll forget all about this hideous dress. Guess what? Lacey's spending the night at the hotel, so tonight it's bom chicka wah wah time with Sweetheart Jake, Jenna spills. Meantime, Ally's inner bridezilla is emerging and while taming it, Lacey divulges that the reason for the hotel room is to tempt Cute Dad into some hotel sex reconciliation. Sorry, Lacey, your hubby RSVP'd in the negatory. But guess who didn't?!? Ben!! Squee!!! (And my Felicity analogy stands)

The Sagging Middle: Ben? Who's Ben? Jenna wonders. But there's no time because her flower basket is missing. Crisis ensues! The wedding planner's assistant quits under the pressure. Here, take Tamara, she works cheap, Jenna offers. But Ally's already tipped over the edge, and Jenna quits her role of flower bitch.

She calls Jake, who's borrowing a suit from Matty. Hey, forget the wedding, we're in the clear for sexy times at 5 o'clock. Make that 4:59, Jake replies all grins. Probably good thing, Matty tells him, cause this suit is cursed. By the by, who was the chick who dumped you at formal? Jake wonders. Luckily for Matty the phone rings: Courtney, his new piece. So, what's the dealio with y'all? asks Jake. She could be GF material, says Matty. Whew! You're finally over that girl from camp, congratulates his BFF. Yeah, finally...

At the Hamilton's, Sadist Sadie arrives, rubbing her kissy-kissy with Douche Ricky in Heartbroken Tamara's face. Whatever. Who's Ben? Jenna needs to know. Lacey's first love, Ally replies. Yikes! Jenna and T, do some Sherlock Holmsing into Lacey's high school past: yearbooks, pics. Ding dong. Here's Ben...and he's totally cute and all over Lacey. DefCon 2! Jenna declares. Flower bitch is back!

Ben is tall, dark and all over Lacey. Hey, mom, remember Cute Dad? Dad, who? All Lacey can remember is her memories of Ben, the man who swiped her v-card and...OMG! Ben=Matty. Jenna dials 911 to her dad. But then they need a real ambulance when the prego girl's water breaks. Crap, I need another bridesmaid, wails Ally. Who's available last minute on a Saturday afternoon? Hey, Crazy Cakes. Jenna begs Val for a favor: distract this Ben from my mom and I'll buy you a new cat. I'm in, agrees Crazy Cakes.

Next: Ally vs. Sadie. Ally wants bridesmaids' hair in double buns. Sadie says no. Bridezilla wins. Double buns. Jenna takes a moment to remind Lacey of her let-no-man-put-asunder vows with her dad. But Ben's so hawt, drools Lacey. Tamara, mic'd up like J.Lo. in that wedding planner movie with McConaughey, tells Jenna she's got a visitor.

Hi, Matty. Adorkably cute convo ensues. Then Jake appears. Thanks for the suit, bro, and have fun with Courtney (aka Bimbette), wink, wink. Matty to J-Town: You and my BFF look great together. Happy times to you, but my heart, it stings. (Aww!) Obligingly, Jenna asks of Matty's new piece. Oh, she's great; we're great; it's all greatness, he assures. My heart, it stings, too, she tells him. Closure is bittersweet.

So, maybe I'm overreacting over my mom and her Ben? thinks Jenna. Not so much. On the phone Ben's telling someone that Lacey's a total MILF and he's making a move at the wedding.

Ding, dong, ding! The wedding bells have rung for Aunt Ally. And Jenna's got her hands full keeping Lacey off the booze and off of Ben, who's pouring it on extra thick. Also, Ricky and Sadie keep shoving their tongues down each other's throats and Tamara's a woman on the edge. Time for her BFF to step in. Tone it down, she warns Sadie. All's fair in love, Sadie retorts. Maybe for now, but your's won't be the only mouth Ricky sticks his tongue down for long, Jenna tells her.

Meanwhile, Aunt Ally's all shades of Sixteen Candles with some muscle relaxers. Lacey's afraid she's rushed into this marriage, but Ally says he's the first man who really loved her. You don't forget that. Ever. Lacey looks longingly to Ben. Sick'em, Crazy Cakes! Jenna begs. No way, I don't do pretty boys, Crazy Cake avows.

Sadie confronts Ricky about his cheatin' ways. Dollface, my tongue is yours forever, he promises. This, deliberately in front of Tamara. It's Sweetheart Jake who suits up for the rescue. Jenna tells Ben to step off cause her dad is aces. Ben reminds her: don't take the one you love for granted. Word. It's sexy time for Jake!

(That gd demon movie trailer scares the shite outta me!)

Denouement: Jake's giving the gears to Sadist Sadie, for Tamara, which convinces Jenna it's time to give him the L-word. But it may be too late, cause Sadie fights dirty and tells Jake he's getting his BFF Matty's sloppy seconds. No way, he says, but as the pieces start to fall into place in his head (the mysterious girl from camp, the secret convos at their lockers, the winter formal) he's not so sure. Poor Jake...

Best Matty/Jenna moment: It stings!!

Best lines: Big love hair.

Awkward 2x6 Episode Recap

Awkward. 2x6 Summary and Review in 1000 words or less

Again, sorry for the delay...

The Least You Need to Know: Valentine's Day sucks! Except for Ming. And definitely no more double-dates with your first love and his new piece. Also, Jake loves Jenna, which is totally awesome, right? Then  how come she can't say it back??

The Set-up: Jenna's tossing and turning. Why didn't Jake's love declaration illicit the same response in her? Maybe she's just not in touch with her feelings yet. But no time to think cause... Aunt Ally's back, beyotches! Sportin a diamond on her ring finger. From Dan, who after just two weeks, a trip to Paris and 4.6 carats later, she lurves. How can Ally know so soon and I can't, Jenna wonders?

Tamara and Ming are pretty sure her "awesome" response sent Jake scrambling for a Prozac scrip. Also, Tamara declares her post-bladder-failure nickname as Tinklebell to all the haters.  Are you in love with Jake? Check yes or no, they demand. Maybe, maybe not, answers Jenna. That's a no, they decide.

In the sanctuary, Sadist Sadie demands some heavy petting from Douche Ricky. I want more, he tells her. Not a chance, band geek. I don't take my shame grope out in public. 

You're leading Jake on, T & M tell Jenna. But I love being his GF, isn't that the same thing? You either know or you don't, there's no middle ground with love. And Ming knows first hand, cause of Fred Woo. 

Taking a break from the announcements with guest host, Matty.

Jake: Hey, bro, I told Jenna the L-word. 

Matty: Whoa! Y'all had sex? 

Jake: No.  

Matty: Amateur. You dangle that carrot till she puts out. Gotta play it chill now, dude. She'll come around. 

Jake: Easy for you, stud. You've never been in love.

Matty: (sad face)

In class, Jenna presents Exhibit A to Tamara: her notebook with a lovey-dovey pic of J&J on the cover. All good, except for the "I heart M.M." written on the back, T argues. Maybe residual Matty feelings are clouding her Jake feelings. Sex is the answer, Tamara declares. 

Jenna passes Matty on the way to Jake. It's full of weird. Anywho...hey, Jake, apropo of nothing, we should have sex--Oops! Is that mic hot? Um, yes. 

Here's your scarlett "A", Hester Prynne, the school declares. But Matty rescues her from the tar & feathers. Should I give Jake the map to J-Town? Oh Hells No. (And they're so adorkably cute together I can barely stand it!) Okey dokey, but go easy, ex-luvah, cause he's really in to you, i.e. don't break his poor besotted heart like mine. Hey, guess what? Matty's moved out of the weird zone and into the friend zone, Jenna decides. (Note: Ex's never stay in the friend zone, Jenna. They either come back off the bench or retire. This is basic relationship 101 stuff.)

Crazy Cakes calls Jenna to her office. About the sex, some advice: Be a lady in the streets, and a freak in the sheets. Also, me and your mom are doing yoga this afternoon. 

Sex is not the answer to her love dilemma, Jenna decides. Too bad Jake is totally jonesin for some Jenna luvin. Let's sync our calendars for sexy times. Guess what? I'm free now, says Jake. Yay? thinks Jenna. How bout my car? Too small. Your mom's at yoga right? Oh, yeah...okay, if you insist, let's go to my house and have the sex. Mercy bang, anyone?

Parked car. Rockin. Douche-Ricky and Sadist Sadie in the backseat. Last time, she declares. No, he begs. Man up, dude. 

Approaching the Hamilton homestead, Sweetheart Jake's bouncing around like a rat terrier with a new toy. But Lacey, Crazy Cakes, and Aunt Ally are at home for the ultimate cockblock. Uh, rain check, please. Jake exits stage left. 

Ding dong. What's Sadist Sadie doing here? Turns out she and Jenna are gonna be kissing cousins when Aunt Ally marries Sadie's rich Uncle Dan. How did you know Dan's the man if you've not tested the plumbing beforehand? everyone inquires of Ally. If the feelings aren't already there, it's just plain ole S-E-X. And speaking of sex, Lacey needs to get laid. But what about Cute Dad? Is it over? 

Sadie ponders Aunt Ally's LoveLine wisdom and calls Douche Ricky--this may just be a match made in the ninth ring of hell. 

Updating Iamjenna.com: If doing the deed doesn't decide my feelings, maybe it's not worth doing it? Except Lacey reveals that sometimes the sex and the feelings all come at the same time, like with Cute Dad. So Jenna rings Jake: I've got the comdoms, big boy. Let's do this.

Jake scores his mom's mini-van. Jenna, playing the part of Felicity Porter (Season 1 episode ?), rushes to undress, but wait...Jake, ever the sweetheart, has constructed a love nest in the back complete with sprinkled rose petals. Gawd. Hey, you’re not just doing this to make me feel better? asks Noel Jake. Cause I just can’t hold in my love and if we don’t make it after this, I’ll pine for you forever, Felicity Jenna. (I’m pretty sure Jake is Noel at this point, or a girl. But definitely not a 16 year old guy, except a 16 y.o. guy as written by a 30-something y.o woman.) Well, guess what? I’m in love after all, Jenna finally decides, before she chokes on all the sap. But let’s wait on the sexy times, k? It’ll be worth it--just ask Matty...

Best Matty/Jenna moments: The hallway...just...loved it.

Best Lines I plan to work into my conversations: You're so J.V.
If you drink enough wine it tastes like love.

Awkward 2x5 Recap: My Love is a Black Heart

Sorry for the late post, I was out of town last week and just got caught up on my Awkward. watching. So, here we go...

Awkward. Episode 2x5 Summary and Review in 500 1053 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: After her baptism by fire at Jesus camp with Jake's ex-Lissa, Jenna decides she must forgive herself her trespasses, and that she and Matty can be friends...that is until she sees him sniff his pits over some freshman bimbette.

The Set-Up: Valentine's Day, great and terrible, the day all singletons fear the worst, even more than NYE, has come to pass at Palos Hills High. A KStew situation is going down in the quad prompting a severe case of PTXD--Post Traumatic Ex Disorder. Of which Tamara is also still in the throes of over douche-flame Ricky. But not Jenna, cause she's got Sweetheart Jake, so this year she's a Lover not a Hater.

The Sagging Middle: Matty comes to her for perfect date tips. For Jake perhaps? Jenna gives him pointers. Then Sweetheart Jake arrives with some kind of cutesy, cute stuffed thing. (Guys, just...no.) It's a Love Bug, he proclaims, but Jenna's too preoccupied scoping out the freshman bimbette Matty's whispering sweet nothings to. She's tall, blonde--your basic nightmare. So, what's the sitch on Matty and the bimbette? Dating? Nah, assures Jake, he's getting ready to tap that like a keg of Natty Light at a moontower party.

Elsewhere, Sadist Sadie proclaims her loathing of Vday, but when Jake's ex-Lissa invites her over for their annual viewing of Mean Girls, Sadie passes. (By the by, loving Lissa's new backbone).  During lunch, Ming reveals that instead of doing cyanide shots with Tamara she's going to the BHP--the infamous Black Hearts Party. Squee! Take me, Tamara begs. No way, says Ming, Ricky S is gonna be there and the rumor from the Tong is he's in lurve. Jenna, however, can't concentrate on anything except the bimbette. Guys, is she cute? she asks. Um, hells yeah, T & Ming concur. Whatever. I'm not jealous, Jenna tells Crazy Cakes. Who is she kidding? Not even herself.

Cute Dad drops Jenna back  home and she informs him their annual father/daughter date is on pause this year because of Sweetheart Jake. In walks Lacey. Totally awkward family reunion ensues, but Cute Dad's not into it. Jenna smarts off about her mom's shenanigans with Crazy Cakes, so Lacey drops the mom-block: curfew's at 10.

It's the perfect date with the perfect boy at the perfect restaurant. Everything's perfect, perfect, perfect...scraaaatch. Matty's there, bimbette in tow. At the table a deux right next to theirs. Gotta be a total setup, right? Bimbette meet Jenna-with-the-big-green-eyes.

The Black Hearts Party is raving. Douche-flame Ricky tosses Tamara a casual howdy-do, sending T into a tailspin of cheap booze and dry humping with randoms.

At the double-date from hell, Jenna's plate is full of something guaranteed to send her into anaphalactic shock. No worries. Matty steps in to take it off her hands. Hey, how does he know and I don't? wonders Sweetheart Jake.  Meanwhile Matty spoonfeeds Bimbette, who practically fellates the fork. Jake's a nervous wreck about this train wreck V-date. Then Jenna totally emasculates him when he wants to buy her a posy from Eliza Doolittle but regrets it when Matty buys tulips for the bimbette. Jenna, pick a team already! And speaking of teams, talk at the table turns to football as romance takes a backseat to bromance. Bimbette leans in for a girl-to-girl gab session - I cannot believe I'm on a date with Matty McKibben! That makes two of us, bemoans Jenna.

Back at the BHP, Tamara continues her downward spiral into Fatal Attraction territory, but pauses for Mings first red cup photo op courtesy of Fred Woo.

Across the table, Jake takes Jenna's hand. Ha! Suck on that Bimbette, you'll never get this with Matty--oops! my napkin. J ducks and finds not only her lost linen, but some Undercover DA at the other table.  Crack!! Head meet table. Jenna consoles herself that at least what she saw was hidden, except...now it isn't. Matty's hand. Bimbette's hand. Entwined. Right there for God and Jenna to see. She flees to confess her seething jealousy to Tamara's VM. Matty shows up with napkin of ice for her bump. Thanks for the date pointers, he says.  See, he IS totally trying to make me jealous, Jenna believes. But, nah, he just wants this to be legit with Bimbette, not like he was with her. Jenna sad. Then in rides Sweetheart Jake with an ice pack. (Not gonna lie--I feel totally sorry for Jake, but also I kinda wanna slap him.)

Ming is totally getting down with Fred Woo, until distraught Tamara sits down for the cockblock. Okay, wrap this up, Ming, while I pee and we're gonna jet. But, of course, the line for the ladies' room is four effin' miles long. Tamara makes for the door and bangs on it. We must pee!! Door flies open to reveal--dundundun!--Sadist Sadie's tongue down Douche-Ricky's throat. Anguished, Tamara's sphincter can hold no more.

Denounement: Ext. Hamilton House. Great date! Jenna assures Jake. Def better than what my Dad had planned, exhibit A: he left a Love Bug for her on the porch, identical to the one Jake gave her earlier. (Dear God, Jenna, don't you see--Jake is just like your dad. Freud, anyone?) Jake presents her with a bouquet of calla lilies--strong and beautiful, just like you, he croons. Way better than tulips, she says. Oops, was that out loud? Don't screw this up, she tells herself. Jake is perfect, perfect, perfect. I love you, Jenna, he professes. Big smile, big kiss, and...Awesome!?! No ditto, no vice-versa, just awesome. Jake leaves, crushed.

Lacey: You're late.
Jenna: Here's a gift from Dad. It's a love bug.
Lacey clings to it like the last life preserver on the Titanic. In Jenna's room, Tamara is sobbing undercover. No more tears, T, cause Sadie & Ricky deserve each other. You have to move on, Jenna preaches. I have (since when, Jenna?) and so should Matty, she thinks. (Easy to say when the bimbette isn't around...)

Best Matty/Jenna moment: When he takes whatever it is off her plate and tells Jake she's allergic.
Best phrase I'm going to start using: Darth Hater

Awkward 2x4 Recap Are You There God? It's Me, Jenna

Okay, I know I haven't yet posted the recap for the epic Three's a Crowd, and I promise I will, but I'm going to jump ahead into last night's religulous experience Are You There God? It's Me, Jenna.

Awkward. Epsiode 2x4 Summary and Review in 500 798 words or less

The Least You Need to Know: Matty is totally trying to sabotage Jenna's relationship with Jake. Also, Lacey is failing in her reconciliation attempts with Kevin aka Cute Dad.

The Set-Up: Guilt! So much guilt. Guilt for being the catalyst in her parents' breakup. Guilt for not telling Jake about Matty. Guilt about still having feelings for Matty??? And to assuage it, the shiny mother ship of guilt--church. Hey, at least there's donuts! But also Jake's ex-Lissa, who invites Jenna to Jesus camp for the weekend, to atone for the all the sinning aka boyfriend theft (and maybe some impure thoughts abouts an ex? just sayin...).

The Sagging Middle: Tamara is not down with this whole weekend cult experience. Do not drink the kool-aid, she warns. But Jenna feels the need for some spiritual healing. Oh, hey, stalker Kyle, waz up with the Jenna Lives band? Broke up. Too much unwanted attention from jocks and pretty boys (wink, wink). We're now Take It Outside. WTF? That's my line, Tamara says.

Sadist Sadie confronts ex-BFF Lissa about her refusal to fall back in line. No way. Lissa blames Sadie for her bad karma. Besides Jenna's gonna be her new bestie. Sadie is not pleased.

Jenna steps into Crazy Cakes's office. I broke up my parents so I'm going to Jesus Camp. Holy Match.com! Cute Dad is available? Focus, Crazy Cakes. Jenna, just remember that turning to God is a slippery slope, Val counsels. First it's all hugs and the next thing you know you're bald and handing out leaflets at the airport.

In the quad, hot girls give Matty the eye, but he's blinded by his broken heart. You've got to get over that lame bitch, Jake tells him. What lame bitch? Jenna asks. The one who dumped Matty, Jake reminds. Oh, yeah, me, Jenna remembers. Great idea, bro--let's double date this weekend, Jake invites. Oh, Hells No--I'm going to church camp, declares Jenna. It's gonna be love, peace, and donuts. But who does she spy on the bus to redemption? The anti-Christ, Sadie. Hallelujah?

Rescue me T, Jenna begs from the woods. Sorry, I'm grounded cause of that douche-flame Ricky Schwartz I keep flitting to, says moth-Tamara.  Also, thanks for the stalker.

Like Moses on Mount Sanai, Sadist Sadie lays down the law to Jenna: Lissa is mine. Luckily for Jenna, there's a ubiquitous-YA gay guy to listen to her moan session and teach her a lesson--Own Your Own Shit! In the words of Judy Blume, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.

At a bar, Lacey's desperately praying Jenna will call for a rescue. Hey, single lady! calls out Crazy Cakes. No, we're on a break, Lacey replies, cause I can't be single. Whatever, says Val. Let me show you how to break bread in public, alone.

It's come as your favorite biblical character night at camp. Lissa is Eve, Gay Guy is Adam, and Jenna's the serpent, natch. Sadie is Mary, about five seconds from needing a manger.

In the Anno Domini, Tamara demands Kyle cease and desist their stalkership.

Back at camp it's time for share circle! It's like Friends of Bill but with Jesus. Lissa confesses her handiwork prowess with Jake. Ewww! But instead it brings Lissa & Jenna closer to BFF status sending Sadist Sadie into the ninth circle of hell. Hey, Hamilton, how bout that suicide attempt? she reveals to all. It was an accident! Beg forgiveness, sinner, sayeth the circle, or burn forever, or is it purgatory, or--? Jenna snaps--Nevermind. Satan Forever!

Val is on step 3 of showing Lacey how to become a crazy cat lady eat in public alone: it's all about the reading material. And the wine. Much wine. Hey, thanks new bestie! says Lacey. No problem, Val replies. Also, I'm going to ask Cute Dad for a date.

Jenna has an epiphany: beneath the dim cheerleader exterior, Jake's ex-Lissa is a really good person. Hugs.

Denouement: IamJenna.com updates: Jenna and Lacey will survive! They've absolved and evolved. And they're not alone, reminds the Anonymous commenter. Who r u? Jenna asks. Not God...

Jenna reveals to Tamara the secret to happiness: compassion. Too bad Tamara has none for stalker  Kyle. If you're gonna stalk me, she says, here's some lite reading. She hands him an All About Tamara scrapbook.

Lissa decides to reconcile with Sadie, realizing that Sadist Saxton is her cross to bear.

Matty apologizes to Jenna about what happened at the quad. You're not a lame bitch, you're boyfriend said that. No worries. Truce? Sure. A tall blonde walks by. Hey, Matty, she purrs. Matty is no longer oblivious, and sniffs his pits. Oh, Sweet Jesus.

Awkward. Episode 2x2 Recap

Episode 2x2 Sex, Lies & The Sanctuary Summary and Review in 500 948 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: Jenna’s still with Jake. Matty asked for a 2^nd chance, but Jenna was all “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda”, so long.

The Set-up: The bliss continues for Jenna as she strolls publicly hand-in-hand with Sweetheart Jake cause he’s not ashamed to be seen with her, even in that tragic outfit she’s wearing. Hey, what’s going down at the Sanctuary? Holy Homeland Security! There’s a camera pointed right at thehigh school’s sex cave. How long has that been there?!?  Jenna prays she and Matty don’t have a starring role in the Palos Hills High Sex Tape.

The Sagging Middle: The footage has been snatched. Mass hysteria prevails. Matty is trying to convince himself that he is not playing the part of Tommy Lee/Ray-J/Rick Salomon on the tape, while Jake moans about his girlfriend’s hymen-less status. Whoa! Back up the cherry tree, Matty says. Are you tapping Hamilton? Not yet, opines Jake. Thanks god—I mean, that’s the past, bro, assures Matty. Chill. Oh, hey, J-town. Don’t J-Town me—did you tell Jake about us? No ways, but pics don’t lie, so we better get our story straight, luvah.

To quell any scandal potential, the principal asks Crazy Cakes to use her insider ways with the kiddoes to procure the whereabouts of said sex tape. She and Jenna attempt to shake down each other for some info, but hit a wall. The Great Wall that is. J and Tamara convince Ming she has to play her Asian card to get the intel. So Ming must kowtow to Becca, leader of the school’s tong. Ming doesn’t really fit in being neither a School Asian (low SATs) or a Cool Asian (no affair with singer of an indie rock band), but Becca agrees to help. Sushi, anyone? Also, here’s the answers to tomorrow’s history test. Use it and stop making us look bad. Ming is enchanted.

At home, Lacey has made all of Jenna’s favorite foods, but J’s not hungry and wants Lacey  to reveal her “A Friend” nom de plume to Cute Dad. But Lacey’s too scared and besides she totally regrets it now. Too little, too late, Jenna declares. Tell Dad or I will.

Next day at school, fear of the sex tape’s contents runs rampant in the hallways. I must tell Jake,  Jenna decides.Call off the Asian mafia. But it’s too late for that Becca tells Ming. The DVD will be delivered as promised tomorrow.

In the boy’s locker room, Matty and Jake are bantering about thongs and such (they have the best chemistry on the show), especially since Jake seems to have grown some lady bits himself. My girlfriend’s not a virgin, wah wah wah. You must chill, dude, insists Matty. But she loved him, bro—how can I compete? Jake replies. Love? Really? Matty takes off, man-on-a-mission styles.

Hey, J-Town, am I still your one and only? Cause, I lurve you, declares Matty, sweet smile of relief on his lips. See, be careful what you wish for, Jenna…

Later, Jakes all: Tell me, I gotta know who it was. Never mind. It doesn’t matter cause I’m super-sensitive Sweetheart Jake and all that matters is that you’re with me now. Gag. So, Jenna’s off that hook. Except, Tamara warns her that if Matty’s willing to say the L-word now, he could go all Jason Bourne on J&J’s romance. And how’s Jake gonna feel then when the video goes viral, in 10, 9, 8, 7…

No worries! Matty & J aren’t on the DVD Becca tells Ming. Crazy Cakes swipes it and hands it over to a very sweaty principal who wants  to shut down some sexy times evidence of his own—resulting in a VP promotion for Crazy Cakes, apparently evil Becca’s plan all along. While Ming comes to the realization that she’s been jumped into the Asian mafia, Jenna basks in the afterglow of getting away with her sexcapade, until she gets a Meet Me text from Matty.

We’re in the clear, he says. So, what about the L- bomb I dropped on you earlier? Again, too little, too late, she says. I’m so sorry, J-town, but please don’t tell Jake. He can’t stand to lose his girl and his bestie. Poor Matty. (Whew! Now that the apology is out of the way, the road is paved to a future reconciliation.)

IamJenna.com updates: About the secrets, Jake won’t ask, Matty won’t tell, and mom’s in the closet.  Ping!  Anon commenter reminds Jenna it’s her mom’s secret to tell. In the end it doesn’t matter, because Lacey finally comes clean to Cute Dad (whose name is Kevin apparently). There’s a knock at Jenna’s back door which sets up the obligatory be-hymen reference. It’s Jake, he’s nervous—why did Jenna want to talk? Because she’ not “in” love with that other guy anymore, she’s “in”vested in Jake (vested is so not the same as love, I would like to point out). They kiss and it’s totally…asexual. Guy’s there is no heat with this couple. Like I said before, Jake Rossati will not make it out of the friend zone.

Best quote I’m totally gonna use: Amasian-ing!

Best Jenna/Matty moment: The adorbs little smile  Matty gives after he declares his love.

It's baaaacccckkkk...Awkward. Recaps

So,  I am way behind on these, but I plan to get the recaps for the first three eps up before the new one on Thursday. Enjoy!

Episode 2x1 Resolutions Summary and Review in 500 753 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: While it’s been 9 long months for us since Awkward.’s first season finale in which Jenna chose Sweetheart Jake over High School Fantasy (HSF) Matty and discovered that it was her mom, Lacey, who authored the infamous Care-frontation letter, in fair Palos Verde it’s been a mere fortnight since these events came to pass.

The Set-up: Tis the night before Christmas, and nothing is stirring except Jenna’s mouse as she catches up on her blogging (Nice to know she’s not the only one who falls behind. Ahem.) The news to her readership: Jake = Bliss. Well, maybe bliss is too strong a word, but definitely more happy-like. And guess what? Jake invites her to update her relationship status to GFF. But is she ready for such a visible commitment while visions of sugar plum Matty still dance in her head?

The Sagging Middle: Christmas morn, family presents around the Hamilton tree. Playing the role of Joan Crawford, Lacey tries to buy her way out of guilt with some bling for her baby girl, while from Cute Dad …a Costco-size box of condoms?!? Awkward.

Skip ahead and it’s time to party like it’s 2012. Jenna’s on the phone with Tamara, who’s still the moth to Ricky Schwartz’s douche-flame. Also, even though Jenna knows about her mom’s role in her non-suicide attempt, she’s keeping it on the DL for now. But Lacey notices her daughter’s growing distance. Could it be because Jake hasn’t made their relationship online official? Gah! Parents just don’t understand, Jenna blogs, as a comment from Anonymous pops up. WTW? Who’s cyber stalking Jenna? (Odds on favorites: Matty or Lacey)

Matty is the NYE host with the most which makes everything totes awkward for Jenna. Luckily, Ming and Tamara are already there cause Jenna is still wigged out by her Anon commenter. Meanwhile, Jake’s ex-Lissa wants to repent her sins against Jenna Old Testament styles—a slap for a slap. And while Jenna gives the Hamiltonsawhore.com webmaster a free pass, the same cannot be said for the Lissa-Sadie ex-BFF relaysh. In the kitchen, Matty’s getting the scoop on the sitch between his bestie and his girl, while Jenna hovers in the pantry. RING, RING!! It’s Crazy Cakes! Aw, Val, I’ve missed you so.

Crazy Cakes is a stood-up mess, but Jenna can’t help right now because she’s decided what she really needs for the new year is closure with Matty. Except that’s not what Matty wants. Oh, no. He wants a second chance. So meet him in the basement at midnight, he pleads, and--in the douchiest Matty moment ever—volunteers to tell Sweetheart Jake himself, who’s sure to understand once he knows it was Matty who tapped Jenna first. WTF????

Anywho, said Sweetheart is whining to Ming and Tamara about the too-long delay of his online girlfriend request. ‘Cept T doesn’t have time for this cause Ricky’s scamming some bimbette on the sofa.  So Jake posits the question to Jenna who’s all deflect, missing cat, deflect. And then…Crazy Cakes arrives to save the day and eventually helps J realize that you can’t let past disappointments hold you back.

10 seconds till midnight: who’s Jenna gonna choose? Sweetheart Jake or HSF Matty? Matty, Matty, Matty…but it’s Jake who gets kissed into the New Year. Which pretty much drives drunkass Matty into the arms of unrequited-luvah Sadie. Luckily, he passes out mid-ab reveal. Phew! Crisis averted.

On to the resolutions portion of the program:

Tamara = No more Ricky. For reals this time. Wait…awww, Ricky.

Lissa = WWJD? For Life

Jenna = No resolutions, and, okay, a slap for Jake’s ex-Lissa.

Denouement: Jake sees Jenna’s econo-box o’condoms. Wow! I’m getting lucky. Oh, don’t feel so special, Sweetheart Jake, my dad gets them for all my boyfriends. What? Yeah, but only for those I REALLY love. That was TMI. Please don’t leave! Hell’s no, I’m totally getting laid! Okay, but if we’re gonna do IT then I really have to change my online status to Jake’s GF for everyone to see. Oh, and confront my mom.  Also, who the hell is this Anonymous commenter?

Best quote: “I am tore up from the floor up; I am beat up from the feet up; and, I need a check up from the neck up.”

Best Matty/Jenna moment: When they awkwardly hug/fist bump each other at the party.

Best scene: Sadie licking the cheese flavor from the Doritos.

Awkward Season 1 Finale Recap

Okay, there's two epic episodes to cover people, so no time for chit chat. This is a long post, so get ready to scroll:

The Least You Need to Know: Jenna and Tamara finally made up and, of course, Tamara did not author the carefrontation letter. And neither did Matty. Whew! Now that that’s cleared up, Jenna and Matty are home free. Right?

Part I:I Am Jenna Hamilton

EXT. Hamilton Home. Cute Dad is manning the BBQ and Matty’s helping out. Lacey’s trying desperately to vamp up Jenna whose not having it. Is Matty going to ask her to winter formal? Well, he asks what color dress she’s wearing. So, things are looking good. Then Cute Dad reminds Matty that if things get serious little Matty better be wearing a jimmy hat. It’s awkward.

At school, Jenna is reveling in her status as Matty’s girl. But everywhere she turns people are getting asked to the winter dance. Tamara and Ming are moaning about their datelessness. A remote-controlled truck zooms at them with a flag bearing an invite for Tamara. It’s from Resident D-bag Ricky Schwartz. She shouldn’t, but like every great train wreck, T can’t resist.

Why won’t Matty just come out and ask her already? And why’s he stashing a chinese takeout box in his locker? Hey, are you a limo girl? he asks. She demurs (but, come on, who isn’t when they’re 16?). Meanwhile, Sadist Sadie is super-pissed about coupledom in general and is determined to ruin everyone’s Winter Formal. Lissa is busy trying to stage a boy-fight over her between Jake and any guy in her ex’s line of sight. Too bad she doesn’t see that the real thing is unknowingly brewing between Jake and bestie Matty over Jenna.

Sweetheart Jake gives Jenna a CD with an invitation attached. It’s typically Jake-sweet. Oh. Awkward. She’s already going with someone else. But shouldn’t Jake know this since it’s his best friend?

On the track, Jake reveals his Jenna rejection to her supposed-boyfriend, who for whatever reason (lack of real conflict, perhaps? Just sayin’, writers…), doesn’t.say.anything.  For the love of John Hughes, man up, Matty!!

Jenna’s doing her weekly session with Crazycakes who comments on J’s upbeat appearance. She has a boyfriend, that’s why. Hey, so does Crazycakes. What a coinkydink! Sadie comes in, Jenna exits stage left. Crazycakes tells Sadie to stop with the grinching over winter formal, but then a phone call from new BF distracts her and Sadist Sadie swipes Jenna’s file. Dundundun.

Tamara is basking in the glow of her dance invite. Jenna brushes it off—it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t formally asked her, only that she and Matty are going together. (Oh, Jenna…) What’s this? Jenna has been nominated for Winter Formal Princess? No way. A boyfriend and redemption? It’s too good to be true! Lacey’s scream of excitement can be heard across town. She’s on her way to buy Jenna a dress right now. (They have a maid? WTH does Lacey do all day?)

But, it is too good to be true…Jenna picks up a ballot to vote and on the back is a copy of the carefrontation letter for everyone to see. I can feel Jenna hoping the ground will open up and swallow her right there. The bottom has been reached.

Not to worry, though, because Sweetheart Jake is there to console her. Except now she’s even more upset that Matty hasn’t told his own best friend they’re together. And then Matty tops that off by saying maybe they should just skip the dance altogether. Fine, whatever. Except it’s not fine. At all.

Tamara discovers she’s Ricky’s sloppy fourths when it comes to dance invitees. This has got to end. 

Crazycakes finally grows a pair and threatens to expel Sadie for exposing the carefrontation letter. Sadie dares her. Okay, maybe not expel, but no Winter Formal for the sadist. That’s final.

Tamara decides to put down the Ricky-crack pipe once and for all, and Jenna thinks maybe the same thing about Matty. He’s waiting in his truck for her after school. What’s in the Chinese take-out box, M? Doesn’t matter. Jenna’s had it with all the secrets. She really wants to go the dance, and she really wants him to go big with his invite—he was, b-but…but, nothing. He doesn’t even have the nads to tell his bestie about her. She calls him a pussy and that’s the end.

At home, Lacey’s bought a selection of peachy-pink dresses. Jenna doesn’t care, because a) only Lacey looks good in that color, and b) she no longer has a date.

Matty and Jake are gaming,  moaning their dual loserdom. Especially Jake, cause Jenna dissed him. Matty gets pissy, says Jenna’s not interested in Jake, but still says nothing about himself. Jake leaves. Matty opens the take-out box. Inside is a giant fortune cookie that he dashes to the ground. A super-sweet fortune invite for J-Town rolls out but it’s all too late now. (Y’all, I know he’s a dumbass, but I really LOVE Matty!)

Jenna’s blogging, crying. Tamara’s crying in a bathroom stall at school over Ricky. Stall next door, someone else is also crying. They bond in misery, except, shite, it’s Sadie. Ewww.

Matty and Jake are still on the outs next day at school. Lissa’s trying to make Jake jealous to no avail. Then when Jenna sees Matty talking to a group of girls, she makes like Lissa and agrees to go to the dance with Sweetheart Jake. 

Though back in her room she wonders was it the right move? Her heart is hurt. There’s a knock at her door. It’s Matty. He’s come to declare his love. Smoochies ensue—except then it’s Jake on top. Oh, shite. And they want to share her? And Tamara, too?? Suddenly this is all getting very menage… because it’s a dream. She wakes. Tamara’s there, reading the misconnections ads online. Wait? Could this one be from Ricky?

Jenna wonders: is Destiny chance or choice? Tamara says chance. And if that’s so, did Jenna just screw up her destiny with Matty by choosing Jake. (I’m getting anxious, this is too many shades of Ben and Noel)

Part 2:Fateful

Hair up or down? Jenna’s getting done up for the dance. Tamara really wants to go, but she has no date, so J tells her to come with her and Jake, cause they’re going as friends. (Uh, does Jake know this?)

Matty’s playing poker with his big bro and friends. Why so glum, Matty? They tell him to get off his ass and go take his girl to the dance. About time.

Yikes! Jenna looks like the bride of Frankenstein with bouffant hair. And her dress is awful. The only thing that can fix this is wearing her Nanna’s dress, Lacey declares. It’s super early 60s cute.  Lacey wore it to her own prom. There’s a sweet mommy and me moment that makes me tear up. Jenna asks if she thinks her mom and dad would have chosen each other if it hadn’t been for getting knocked-up. Lacey says there really was never a choice. Awww.

The girls arrive. Ming is taking a girl? Her parents would only let her go if she was going with a “girl”-friend. Whatever. Ding-dong. Squee!! It’s Matty in a tux with a corsage…except Jenna just left and…I swear to god I’m about to have a coronary at this point!

At the dance, Crazycakes and her BF (on the DL) are chaperoning. Jake is hilarious with his Jenna+friends posse. Dorky pix are taken, except the one of them together.

Sadie is trying to sneak in through a bathroom window with accomplice Lissa. But Jenna interrupts. Uh, oh. Crazyeyes/Jenna showdown?  Nope. Lissa concedes to Jenna, and then closes the bathroom window on Sadist Sadie. Gotcha, yatch!

Dancing commences. Wait, Ricky Schwartz did write the misconnection. Confesses Tamara is the only one for him. She forgives (is that crack smoke I smell?).

Slow dance. It’s nice. Jake’s nice. Jenna goes for the smooch, pulls away…there’s Matty. The look on his face…he’s heartbroken. (Sniff. So am I.) Hey, bestie, Jake says. Where’s your date? He effed up, Matty admits. She’s with some other guy, he says, looking at Jenna. Maybe it’s not too late, Jake questions. Is it? He pleads with his big, sad puppy eyes. Head (Jake) or heart (Matty), Jenna? She takes Jake’s hand and I die a little inside, and so does Matty.

Sadie has snuck her way into the formal. Nu, uh, says Crazycakes, and Carrie’s her ass with a bowl of punch. Gay guy wins formal princess, and Matty wins prince, but  too dejected to claim it, he slips out the door with last forlorn glance at Jenna.

Jake and Jenna, and Tamara and Ricky are the last ones dancing. Wanna hit the after party? Nah. Jake and Jenna go home. There’s more kissing. And a note—her parent’s are out for the evening. She invites Jake inside (gah!) but then reneges (whew!). She wants to take this slowly and enjoy the things she’s missed, like holding hands--and it would all be perfect if she wasn’t wishing so hard I can hear it that he was Matty and not Jake.

She opens the front door and sets off the alarm, which (luckily) kills the mood. Jake gets a goodbye peck, and then she has to call her parents cause she can’t remember the code. Wait, it’s probably in the junk drawer. Along with a box of stationery that’s an exact match for the carefrontation letter and OMG! Lacey wrote the letter!!!!

Best Quotes: Cheesetastic! Welcome to Karmageddon, b-tch!

Best Matty/Jenna Moment: Looking forward to it in Season 2.

Y'all, this may be the only episode all season I don’t watch at least 20 times. I know this is supposed to be all about Jenna learning to accept herself, but we all know it's the love triangle that keeps us up till 2 am. And the facts are these:

1. The only reason to have her end up with Jake at the end of Season 1 is to drag out the love triangle for Season 2;
2. If she was supposed to be with Jake, she would have ended up with Matty now—it’s a classic writer’s trick for a story series (take note, Tracy Deebs! Mark 4evah!);
3. Jenna has found herself, now Matty needs to; which will be interesting to watch, plus now he gets to be the pursuer. Can't wait. 
4. Jenna will not sleep with Jake because in a romance the heroine can only sleep with the boy she’s meant to end up with otherwise she becomes unsympathetic as a character (Felicity/Noel notwithstanding because that was a lame last ditch effort by the writers for ratings); and finally,
5. Very few guys make it out of the friend zone, and while Jake is a total Sweetheart, I don’t think he has what it takes to overcome the Matty fantasy for Jenna. The heart wants what the heart wants…and I’ll hold onto that thought till next season. Hurry up 2012!!

Awkward Epi 10 Recap

One of the reasons I love this show, besides the awesome snark, is that I, too, had a secret relationship in high school with a guy whose social circle, in the venn diagram of the teen caste system, only overlapped mine via distant associations. I was Jenna, a much scrawnier and less self-aware version, and he was my Matty, though, unfortunately never as sweet and charming (read: he was an ass) as the fictitious one. Which is probably why I'm shipping them soooo much. In the foggy imagination of my older brain this is how my high school love story could have been...had he not been a douche. Which is the question examined in this episode of Awkward--is Matty really a sweetheart or a d-bag in disguise?

No Doubt - Summary and Review in 500 847 words or less (curses!)

The least you need to know: Former BFFs Tamara and Jenna are still not on speaking terms after the lip-slip between J and Ricky Schwartz at the party. It sucks. But what doesn't suck is that Matty wants to be more than friends!! Hurrah!!

The Set-up: Ext. School. Jenna is lamenting Tamara's refusal to reconcile. Up ahead there's a crowd. Fight! Fight! Fight! comes the gladiatorial chant. It's between Sweetheart Jake and GF Lissa (Crazyeyes). Apparently not-so-Sweetheart Jake has confessed to Crazyeyes about that time he impetuously kissed Jenna in the hallway (See Recap for Epi 6). Why? Why would he do that? Lissa goes all Fatal Attraction in public and slaps Jenna. It stings, but at least it gets Tamara talking to her again, even if it's just for a moment. (Aside--the Sun Drop product placement on every show I watch is getting to be a little much. Just me, but am I seeing that crap everywhere? Is anyone actually drinking it?)

Crazycakes Val acts as a couples counselor (insert obvious irony here) for the feuding duo and it's clear that Crazycakes was just like Crazyeyes back in the day. Jake sees an exit sign from this effed up relationship and makes a run for it, but Crazyeyes freaks and he wimps out (because he's too nice, which is why he'll always be in the friend zone). For his lip-cheating ways he's sentenced to emasculation slavery until she says otherwise.

Ming declares herself Switzerland in the Tamara/Jenna War, but Jenna begs her to intercede and setup a treaty negotiation. Ming agrees. Matty asks about the Jake kiss--was she ever going to tell him? There was no need, it was hardly more than a head-on collision between their faces.Witty, sexy repartee ensues (so very Gable/Lombard) and Matty asks her out to dinner. It's a real date. In public!

Ming lures Tamara to the Sanctuary (a.k.a. under the bleachers a.k.a. hook-up mecca) for a convo with Jenna, who begs her forgiveness. Can she? Will she?

Meanwhile, Crazyeyes, egged on by Sadie, is running Jake into the ground. Matty tells him to man up, but Sweetheart Jake may not have it in him.

Tamara and Jenna make up. Yay! Group hug. T reveals that she didn't, in fact, write the care-frontation letter (of course, she didn't), but she thinks Matty did and lays out her evidence. Which to the casual, over-analytical observer like Jenna, is damning. Can it be? Jenna's mouth says NO!, but her inner monologue says Please nooooooo!

Getting ready for her first date with Matty, Jenna is trying to ignore that doubting Thomas in her head. Tamara and Ming arrive and find the previously torn up, but now carefully re-taped, care-frontation letter in J's room. They mean to get to the bottom of this anonymous author. Ding-dong. Matty's here. He's bonding with Lacey over Jenna's baby pictures. Too cute! Such a gentleman, he opens the car door for her and he's obviously nervous. It's all sweetly charming until they've been driving for at least an hour, to a whole other town, for dinner. Crap, maybe he is trying to hide her, afterall.

Sadist Sadie is crucifying Jenna as the anti-Christ to Lissa. Something must be done, she declares. WWS(adie)D? Lissa wants to know. First order of business: Jake must de-friend Jenna ASAP.

Jenna and Matty finally arrive at the hole in the wall restaurant. He knows the waitress? Must be because this is where he takes all his reject hook-ups (Jenna, get some confidence, puhleeze!) There's obviously more to the sitch than meets the eye. After he's pre-ordered for her, she's pissed and about to thrown in the napkin, when the manager comes out--it's Matty's uncle, this is his restaurant, and this is the first time Matty's ever brought a girl here before. Awwww. He just wanted tonight to be special. He gets a kiss.

Making-out ensues all the way home...where Ming and Tamara ambush them. Who's up for games? Okay. They all have to reveal some super-secret truth (i.e. they want Matty to self-incriminate about the letter) but he's charms the pants off of them instead (metaphorically, of course). Soon he's demonstrating his hair styling acumen and dispensing dude advice: Ricky Schwartz is a douche, because he kissed another girl in front of T and if he likes her he should have the nads to say it. Wait? Isn't he guilty of all these same offenses? Jenna starts to wonder if she shouldn't be heeding Matty's advice to be open to better guy. Steady, Jenna.

Doorbell. It's Sweetheart Jake, there to "de-friend" her per Lissa/Sadie. But he doesn't. Instead he apologizes for the kiss and for dragging her into his own hell. Is Jenna wondering what if about Jake? Noooo, Jenna! Stay the course.

Final Act: Is that a Biore strip on Matty's nose? Yep. Tamara and Ming have fallen under M's spell. Jake finally finds his gonads and gives both Lissa and Sadie the see-yas. Alone at last, Jenna decides that when all the evidence is laid (layed? still don't know) out, there's not much of a case against Charming Matty. Gavel down, case closed. Let the smoochies commence.

Sigh. God, I love this show.

Update: In my haste to get this post posted, I forgot these:

Best Matty/Jenna moments: Wow, so many! But my favorite favorite is the banter scene in the hallway. So funny and well-written and their timing is perfect. I've rewatched it about 10 times already. The kiss over the table at the restaurant--so perfect. And, of course, the last scene in her room where he casually, and oh so familiarly (is that a word, Grammar Girl?), slips his arm around her waist before kissing her. Mmmm.


Best Quote: Jacked up on Jesus (I'm already trying to figure out how to work this gem into a conversation.)

Awkward Epi 9 Recap & Contest Weds Combo Package

Today, we're mixing things up and running a two-fer with my Awkward recap and our contest Weds giveaway. Read on for a chance to win a copy of one of my favorite movies of all time.

 My Super Bittersweet Sixteen  - Review and Summary in 750 846 words or less (ugh)

The least you need to know: Jenna is a sloppy drunk who can’t keep her lips shut, or to herself. So, Matty isn’t talking to her and neither is Tamara, who may or may not (I don’t believe it) have authored the “care-frontation” letter.

The Set-up: Happy Birthday, Dear Jenna! Except it’s not—she’s nearly friendless at this point, except for Ming, but she’s got mono. (Who was Ming kissing?) To top it all off she fails her driving test. No wheels for Jenna. At school, Tamara has already moved on to a new BFF (B=band). But wait, someone has decorated her locker…stalker boy?? And then there’s Sadie, never one to miss an opportunity to kick a person who’s down. Jenna can’t take it, not today, so she begs Val to write her a note to go home, but Crazycakes seems to be the only one genuinely excited to celebrate with her homegirl and gifts her a Sixteen Candles DVD—because Jake Ryan can make anything okay!

The Sagging Middle: Int. school cafeteria. The ultimate haves vs. haves-not arena. Jenna is exiled to a table by herself, while Tamara is with the BFF pissing about Ricky Schwartz’s wandering eyes, until she gets a sexy text from the asshat and she quickly forgives him. The BFF accuses her of a double-standard, but Tamara defends that she and Ricky were unofficial, while she and Jenna were bonded for life.

Sweetheart Jake stops by to ask if she’s going to the big game this afternoon. And invites her sit as his table, with Matty. And Sadie. No, she wants to keep a low pro. Wishful thinking, because here comes Crazycakes with a birthday cake and a bullhorn. Sadist Sadie blocks her escape, and birthday rap ensues. Sweet Jesu! The cringe is palpable, even from Matty. Can it get any effing worse? Yes, yes it can—her monthly bill came early and Tamara is the keeper of the backup pants.

Forced into her gym shorts and sporting the whitest legs ever and some circa-1982 rainbow knee-highs (I had a pair just like them when I was 8), all vestiges of dignity are nil. But her mom won’t come get her yet cause she’s doing something at the house?!? Fine. Football game it is. (Uh, since when are football games right after school?)  Lucky for her, sweetheart Jake waves her over to sit by him. In the band block, Tamara has had it with Ricky’s philandering ways and makes plans to end to their “flirtationship” right after the game.

Jenna’s bored. Then Matty shows up and puts the digs in a little more by cheering on Sadie right in front of her. Sadie is super-pissed to see Jenna sitting with her friends, and means to stop to all things Hamilton. Stat.

Total tension between Matty and J in the bleachers, and when Jake asks Matty if his big (drunk) brother, a former HS football star, is still kicking his ass, Matty answers yes, but that he’s not the only one. Side-eye to Jenna. Feeling sh-tty, J tries to go, but sadist Sadie ambushes her and lays down the law about stealing her friends. She punctuates it by dumping her iced mochaccino all over Jenna. (Sadie is an irredeemable b-tch at this point, for me. I don’t care about her recessive chub gene--she deserves it.) Please, Lacey, come get your daughter!

Again, Sweetheart Jake (who’s cheerleader gf, Lissa, is strangely absent this whole epi), offers Jenna a ride to the football afterparty. But she’s not going. Neither is Matty, as Jake points out, so he can give her a ride home.  Over Sadie’s dead body. Except Matty steps up like a gentleman. (F-off Sadie!)

In his car, Jenna profusely apologizes again for the harsh words at the party. But Matty admits she was right, not about being too good for her, but he cares too much what other people think. And it kills him that she thinks so (ahhhh, sniff). There’s a cute moment with the aforementioned rainbow socks before they arrive at J’s home. Friends, again? she asks. Totally. Except her real wish was for a boyfriend. And maybe Matty wants to be?? Come on Matty, just say something!! But he pusses out. Ugh.

The Final Act: Ta da! Her mom made over her room into something from the Vegas strip complete with mirror on the ceiling over the bed for chrissake!!! Time for some Jake Ryan time. Tamara tries to put down the Ricky-crack pipe, but can’t give it up just yet. Jenna learns a lesson from Molly Ringwald: you can’t expect others to be cool with you unless you’re cool with yourself. She tears up the damned care-frontation letter. Knock at the door—it’s Matty (squee!) He forgot to wish her a happy birthday and…he doesn’t want to be friends. He wants to be more!!! Sigh. This episode lacked only a glass dining table.

Best Matty/Jenna Moment: See above, and the clenched hands on the steering wheel.

Best Line: Those spandex bastards think they own they road.

Okay, now for the contest part: A little Jake Ryan makes everything better, so tell me how you celebrated or will celebrate your 16th birthday and you're entered to win your very own Sixteen Candles DVD (US/Canada residents only. Contest end midnight PT 9/17/11).

Awkward Epi 8 Recap

My BFL (Best Friend for Life) have known each other since we were eleven. We graduated HS together, were college roommates, bridesmaids, the whole bit. We are in this till death do us part. Not to say that the course of true friendship always did run smooth. Oh, hells no. There were some MAJOR domestic disturbances in our time, mostly over guys (and, really? the guys were not worth it) but this is the exact pickle we find ourselves in for this episode of Awkward.


The Adventures of Aunt Ally and Lil' Bitch - Summary and Review in 

500 703 words or less.

The Least You Need To Know: Jake (Lissa's BF) like likes Jenna, but Jenna like likes Matty (Jake's Bestie)

The Set-up: Lacey's acting weird - like a real mom - and Jenna's wigged out by it. Cause it's a setup:  Lacey's WT BFF Ally shows up for a visit. Ally is to Jenna, like oil is to water. Ally calls her Lil' Bitch. And since Jenna's (cute) dad is out of town, Ally and Lacey decide to help Jenna host a kegger. Tamara is pro-party, Jenna's not so much...until Matty calls to RSVP in the affirmative. Ming is still on lockdown and can't attend, but Ricky Schwartz (Tamara's crush) is coming with his crew and Tamara blissfully declares that Jenna is going to be the hostess with the mostest. And, while Betty Friedan rolls in her grave, J's hormone-addled brain convinces her that if her party is epically awesome, Matty will see her as true girlfriend potential. (What's so sad/funny about this statement is that's how I girls actually think.)

The Sagging Middle: It's 9 o'clock and no one's arrived at the red-cup ready Hamilton abode yet. Ally and Lacey assure Jenna and T that cool kids don't arrive before 10. Which is enough time to give Jenna a sexified makeover, complete with duct-tape miracle bra and a beta-blocker (courtesy of Ally) for nerves. By the time Matty and Jake arrive, Jenna--in a very un-Jenna cleavage baring, fushia number--is blotto.

Record scratch, cut to next morning. Jenna awakes, raccoon-eyed, duct-tape still in place, and not alone in bed. Gasp! But it's only Ally, who confirms the party was bitchin'--especially the part where Jenna tongued some guy publicly, except Lil' Bitch can't remember which guy: Matty or Jake? Dundundun.

Trying to piece together the alcohol/drug-induced holes in her memory, Jenna flicks through the pics on her homepage to no avail. Frantic to figure out what happened she calls Tamara, who doesn't answer. A pissed off Lacey interrupts to say they've got 5 hours to get the house in shape before her dad gets home. Apparently, Ally and Lacey had a fight. And the house is wrecked. Is that boob smudge on the sliding glass door? Yep, Tamara's. Jenna vaguely recalls the flash incident, and also a cute, if drunken, convo on the back porch with Matty. The wet spot on the sofa is where she spit up tequila, fell into Jake's lap and compared him to a puppy, because everybody loves puppies. But did she kiss him, or did she kiss Matty? F@#$ing Ally and her beta-blocker! Why oh why won't Tamara answer her phone to clear this up?

So, the adult BFF fight was about said beta-blocker. Lacey may be laissez faire when it comes to parenting, but she draws the line at her friend slipping drugs to her kid. Jake shows up to return Jenna's dad's shirt, cause she puked on his--just after she lectured him about kissing her when he already has a girlfriend. Whew! Crisis averted. She didn't kiss Jake. So, it must have been Matty, right? Except instead of a kiss, she remembers accusing him of being a snob, and not going public with her because she's not cool enough. He left, feelings hurt, but I think Jenna shamed him a little, too. She texts an apology to him stat, but only receives a monosyllabic, whatever response. Then Ming calls to have her check her page again, and there is a pic of the biggest party foul of all--Jenna kissing Ricky Schwartz! In front of Tamara. Oh. Snap.

The Final Act: Ally apologizes to Jenna and Lacey, and they make up. Not Jenna and Tamara, though, who takes Jenna's tearful offer of I'm-sorry-donuts (mmm, donuts), but tosses their Best Friends picture at her feet. And, the biggest FU of all, confesses that SHE wrote the "care-frontation" letter!? (This, I refuse to believe.)

Best Jenna/Matty moment: Okay, it's just a little thing, but on the back porch when she almost falls over and he goes to catch her--that protective crap gets me every time.

Best Quote: "I'm studying Portuguese." What?

Awkward Epi 7 Recap

Every spring at the high school down the street from my house they hold a mock DWI crash reenactment just before prom, with wrecked cars, police, flares, and ambulance. The whole bit. They send out notices to all the surrounding neighborhoods so nobody freaks out while they pretend to scrap some drama students off the pavement. Apparently it’s the new thing in DWI prevention at high schools these days. (In my day--which was a Wednesday, by the way-- they showed us some flick from the 1970s with a title like Blood Runs Red on the Highway. Dundundun.) Anyway this whole dramatic production is also the backdrop for this week’s awesome episode of Awkward.

Over My Dead Body - Summary and Review in 500 681 words or less (must write tighter!! sigh.)

The Least You Need To Know: Jenna is still determined to play hard to get with a guy (Matty) that’s hard to get.

The Set-Up: Auditorium. Crazycakes counselor, Valerie, is bringing the annual Drunk Driving Awareness production into the 21st Century with CRASH’d - Counselor’s Raising Awareness for Students Who (the W is silent) Drink. Tamara is jonesing for Ricky Schwartz while Jenna is pretending not to be jonesing for Matty who’s having a hard time not showing he’s jonesing for her. K, got it? Val casts Jake (Matty’s BFF and wanna-be luvah of Jenna) as Dead Johnny, and the role of Dead Stacy goes to Jenna. But since she’s the girl everyone already thinks tried to off herself it’s awkward.

Sagging Middle: On her way to Val’s office to give Dead Stacy to uber-drama best girl Tamara, Jenna is waylaid by Jake who still wants the sitch on her post-kiss feelings. Bullet point: just friends. For Jenna at least. Val pleads with Jenna to help her with CRASH’d and save her ass with the principal, but Jenna uses her parent’s sensitivity to her recent faux suicide as an excuse. All good, except Val makes house calls apparently. And seems playing Dead Stacy runs in the family: Lacey (Jenna’s mom) played the role in ’95, so she’s psyched. Jenna appeals to her Dad, saying people won’t stop talking about her being the girl who tried to kill herself if she plays the part of a girl who dies. Dad (who’s totally cute, by the by) counsels her then to change the conversation.

Despondent over another public humiliation to come, Jenna gets a booty text from Matty. He’s surprised when she shows cause he thought she wasn’t talking to him, and while shoving her tongue into his mouth isn’t technically talking, I guess, it’s clear she’s done playing hard to get. Spit swapping ensues until the other McKibben (hinted at in Epi 5) stumbles up the drive clearly UI. When he begins pawing Jenna, Matty forces him inside and tells her to go. She's pissed. (Honestly, other than the kissing, I didn’t like Jenna in this whole scene. A) She could play a little harder to get, and B) when it’s clear that Matty’s got family issues her whole concern is that he didn’t introduce her to his drunk brother??)

Next day at school, Val is dressed as the grim reaper “killing off” students every statistical 15 mins and Jenna has a plan to use Dead Stacy to “change the conversation”. But Jake, in Val’s office, still wants to talk about their kiss (Really? Cause 16 y.o. guys want to talk about their feelings all the time? When?) To make things more awkward, Val has them hold hands, waffle-style, so they seem like a real couple. Lissa (Jake's gf) freaks. Matty tries to apologize for last night, but Jenna gives him the ultimatum: figure out what you want or lose me forever.

Final Act: Tamara and Ricky S. are the drunk killer couple in the play. Matty is obviously not ok with his bestie and his undercover luvah together even as soon-to-be-dead Johnny and Stacy. Jake confesses his like like of Jenna. Tamara pretends to save Dead Stacy with a homoerotic liplock to much applause and male appreciation. Conversation Changed? Check. And a public hug from Matty. Best. DWI Awareness Day. Ever.

Best quote: “I’d love a Zima.”

Best Jenna/Matty Moment: The hug at the end. Awwww.