Episode 2x2 Sex, Lies & The Sanctuary Summary and Review in
500 948 words or less
The Least You Need To Know: Jenna’s still with Jake. Matty asked for a 2nd chance, but Jenna was all “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda”, so long.
The Set-up: The bliss continues for Jenna as she strolls publicly hand-in-hand with Sweetheart Jake cause he’s not ashamed to be seen with her, even in that tragic outfit she’s wearing. Hey, what’s going down at the Sanctuary? Holy Homeland Security! There’s a camera pointed right at thehigh school’s sex cave. How long has that been there?!? Jenna prays she and Matty don’t have a starring role in the Palos Hills High Sex Tape.
The Sagging Middle: The footage has been snatched. Mass hysteria prevails. Matty is trying to convince himself that he is not playing the part of Tommy Lee/Ray-J/Rick Salomon on the tape, while Jake moans about his girlfriend’s hymen-less status. Whoa! Back up the cherry tree, Matty says. Are you tapping Hamilton? Not yet, opines Jake. Thanks god—I mean, that’s the past, bro, assures Matty. Chill. Oh, hey, J-town. Don’t J-Town me—did you tell Jake about us? No ways, but pics don’t lie, so we better get our story straight, luvah.
To quell any scandal potential, the principal asks Crazy Cakes to use her insider ways with the kiddoes to procure the whereabouts of said sex tape. She and Jenna attempt to shake down each other for some info, but hit a wall. The Great Wall that is. J and Tamara convince Ming she has to play her Asian card to get the intel. So Ming must kowtow to Becca, leader of the school’s tong. Ming doesn’t really fit in being neither a School Asian (low SATs) or a Cool Asian (no affair with singer of an indie rock band), but Becca agrees to help. Sushi, anyone? Also, here’s the answers to tomorrow’s history test. Use it and stop making us look bad. Ming is enchanted.
At home, Lacey has made all of Jenna’s favorite foods, but J’s not hungry and wants Lacey to reveal her “A Friend” nom de plume to Cute Dad. But Lacey’s too scared and besides she totally regrets it now. Too little, too late, Jenna declares. Tell Dad or I will.
Next day at school, fear of the sex tape’s contents runs rampant in the hallways. I must tell Jake, Jenna decides.Call off the Asian mafia. But it’s too late for that Becca tells Ming. The DVD will be delivered as promised tomorrow.
In the boy’s locker room, Matty and Jake are bantering about thongs and such (they have the best chemistry on the show), especially since Jake seems to have grown some lady bits himself. My girlfriend’s not a virgin, wah wah wah. You must chill, dude, insists Matty. But she loved him, bro—how can I compete? Jake replies. Love? Really? Matty takes off, man-on-a-mission styles.
Hey, J-Town, am I still your one and only? Cause, I lurve you, declares Matty, sweet smile of relief on his lips. See, be careful what you wish for, Jenna…
Later, Jakes all: Tell me, I gotta know who it was. Never mind. It doesn’t matter cause I’m super-sensitive Sweetheart Jake and all that matters is that you’re with me now. Gag. So, Jenna’s off that hook. Except, Tamara warns her that if Matty’s willing to say the L-word now, he could go all Jason Bourne on J&J’s romance. And how’s Jake gonna feel then when the video goes viral, in 10, 9, 8, 7…
No worries! Matty & J aren’t on the DVD Becca tells Ming. Crazy Cakes swipes it and hands it over to a very sweaty principal who wants to shut down some sexy times evidence of his own—resulting in a VP promotion for Crazy Cakes, apparently evil Becca’s plan all along. While Ming comes to the realization that she’s been jumped into the Asian mafia, Jenna basks in the afterglow of getting away with her sexcapade, until she gets a Meet Me text from Matty.
We’re in the clear, he says. So, what about the L- bomb I dropped on you earlier? Again, too little, too late, she says. I’m so sorry, J-town, but please don’t tell Jake. He can’t stand to lose his girl and his bestie. Poor Matty. (Whew! Now that the apology is out of the way, the road is paved to a future reconciliation.)
IamJenna.com updates: About the secrets, Jake won’t ask, Matty won’t tell, and mom’s in the closet. Ping! Anon commenter reminds Jenna it’s her mom’s secret to tell. In the end it doesn’t matter, because Lacey finally comes clean to Cute Dad (whose name is Kevin apparently). There’s a knock at Jenna’s back door which sets up the obligatory be-hymen reference. It’s Jake, he’s nervous—why did Jenna want to talk? Because she’ not “in” love with that other guy anymore, she’s “in”vested in Jake (vested is so not the same as love, I would like to point out). They kiss and it’s totally…asexual. Guy’s there is no heat with this couple. Like I said before, Jake Rossati will not make it out of the friend zone.
Best quote I’m totally gonna use: Amasian-ing!Best Jenna/Matty moment: The adorbs little smile Matty gives after he declares his love.