YA Scavenger Hunt is Here!!!!!!!

 

And for a bunch of chances to win signed copies of Tempest Rising and Tempest Unleashed, the first two books in the Tempest Maguire trilogy, The International Kissing Club (a book Tracy wrote with Emily Mckay and Shellee Roberts, an ARC of Emily McKay's The Farm, plus an ARC of Doomed and a fun prize pack with a Farm Backpack and all kinds of Doomed, International Kissing Club and Tempest swag,   rack up points by doing one or more of the following:

1. follow me on Twitter at @TracyWolff (1 point)
2. get friends to follow me on Twitter (1 point per friend)
3. like my Tempest Rising page on  Facebook(1 point)
4. Like my brand new Doomed Facebook page
5. get friends to follow me on Facebook (1 point per friend)
6. Follow this blog
7. email me at tracydeebs@gmail.com and let me know you want to be part of my Doomed street team!
8. Leave a comment on this blog post.

 Leave me a comment here under this blog post telling me if you like the Tempest Revealed excerpt and how many points to give you. Just leaving a comment counts 1 point. (And if you have done any of 1-6, give me your user names and your friends’ user names so I can credit your points.) The drawing will be random, but the number of points you get determines how many times your name will be put into the hat.

Tempest Revealed

I dropped in on the wave just as it crested. As I did, I made the mistake of looking toward shore—exactly what my dad had told me not to do. I could see him there, standing under a light and looking out at me. I couldn’t see his expression, but I figured it wasn’t happy. But if I nailed this wave, all would be forgiven.

I turned to look down at the wave and realized that I couldn’t see anything—the lights on shore had disrupted my vision, just as my dad had said they would. I felt a moment of panic at the idea of surfing this wave, which was high enough that riding its crest felt like being at the top of a mountain. And then it was too late to do anything but ride as I plummeted down the sheer, flat face of the most mammoth wave I’d ever ridden.

It was amazing, exhilarating, terrifying and awe-inspiring all at the same time. More than once I thought I was going into the drink, but I managed to hold on—by my toenails sometimes—until the wave brought me in. I didn’t get as close to shore as my dad did, didn’t get a chance to shoot the barrel as the wave turned choppier, started to break up.

I jockeyed for position, hung on as long as possible, then dropped out right before the thing crashed into the surface of the ocean. As the waves bumped me around some—the water was getting rougher—I fumbled for my board. Once I found it, I straddled it and let out a war whoop of epic proportions. My dad echoed it from his spot on the water. He was paddling out to meet me and probably do the whole crazy thing again, and I couldn’t wait. I’d ridden the hell out of that wave and couldn’t have been prouder.

Grinning, thrilled with myself and the whole world, I turned toward my dad, wanting to share my exhilaration with him. He was close enough that I could see his grin and I smiled back, waved a little. He was as stoked as I was that I had not let that swell take me down.

“That was awesome, Temp—”

He stopped talking mid-sentence, a strange look crossing his face before he disappeared suddenly beneath the choppy surface of the ocean.

            What the hell?

“Dad!” I called, but he didn’t answer. Seconds later, I saw his board floating several feet away.

            Confusion turned to alarm and I ditched my board, diving deep between the crests of one wave and the next. As I did, I blew the air out of my lungs and let my gills take over so that I wouldn’t have to worry about hitting the surface for air. Though I was prepared, that first breath of salt water hurt like a bitch as my human lungs fought instinctively to reject it. I ignored the pain, ignored the messages that warned me I was drowning, and dived deeper. Swum faster.

            As I did, visions of sharks and swordfish and even huge, carnivorous seals ripped through my head. As did images of Tiamat and her vicious pet, the Lusca. Something had my dad—of that I had no doubt. Now it was  a matter of finding out if it was just an animal doing what came naturally to it or if it was a darker, more dangerous force.

            Smart enough to know I wasn’t going to be able to find him out here in the dark, I closed my eyes and tried to focus through the terror ripping me apart. A couple deep breaths, a little shot of power, and I’d created a large, encapsulated ball of light that illuminated the ocean around me. I quickly tethered it to me with another blast of power, so that it moved where I did, and then I went deep. 

            As I dove, I didn’t know what to wish for: a shark could very well have killed my father by now. But then, so could Tiamat—unless she wanted something from him. Like to use him as bait to make me swim directly into one of her traps.

            If it was her, she was getting her wish because while the logical portion of my brain was shouting warnings at me, I was paying it absolutely no attention. Sheer terror had seized control of me and I was bumbling around like a total frube, desperate for some—any—sign of my father. It had been two and a half, maybe three minutes since he’d been grabbed. I only had a couple more to find him before brain damage started to kick in.

            Freaking out, panicked beyond just about anything I had ever felt before, I forced myself to surface. To look out over the black water and try to see if I could spot anything. But there was nothing but the inevitable push and pull of the waves and the glowing blue of the algae all around me. In the distance, I could see the lights of my board glowing purple against the dark water, but there was no sign of my father.

            And that’s when it registered. While the ocean all around me was lit up an other-worldly blue, there was a heavy concentration of the phosphorescent light about thirty feet in front of me. Heavy enough that it meant something was there right now disturbing the algae.

            I shot forward, using every ounce of power and strength I had to swim faster than I ever had before. I got there in seconds—I’d never been more thankful for the whole mermaid thing—and then dove deep, circling the lit up area much like a shark did its prey.

            And that’s when I saw him, floating along beneath the surface. His arms were above his head, his legs slightly open. His eyes were closed, his face lax, and I knew. I just knew that I was too late. That my father was dead because I hadn’t been strong enough to stop it.

            I arrowed through the water toward him, so close to hysteria that I forgot how to breathe through my gills. Instead, I opened my mouth and ended up gulping in huge swallows of salt water, choking on it.

            My human body wanted to cough, to expel the noxious stuff, but I held it down with sheer will alone. If I had any chance of doing CPR, of getting the water out of his lungs, every second counted.

            I reached my father moments later, wrapped my arms around his waist and used the powerful muscles in my legs, muscles I’d spent the last year building, to kick us straight up to the surface.

            As I broke through the water, I dragged air into my abused lungs even as I tried to figure out if my dad was breathing. He wasn’t—of course he wasn’t—so I whirled around in a desperate bid to find shore. In just the last few minutes the ocean had grown much choppier, though I didn’t know if it was from the incoming storm or my own freaked out emotions. It didn’t matter either way, I supposed, not when the end result was the same. We’d been pushed farther out to sea by the seething, roiling waves, shore much too far away to reach in time to save my dad, even for me.

            Wrapping my arms around him again—this time above his waist and below his breastbone—I drove my fist directly back and into the bottom of his lungs. Water shot from his mouth, so I did it again and again and again. It was awkward as hell with the waves building up all around us, but I forced my body to relax. To just ride out the waves. Soon, I had determinedthe timing of the ocean, and what part of the wave I needed to be at to squeeze the most water from my father’s lungs.

 I rode the waves for long seconds, not attempting to fight them or get closer to shore, but simply trying to clear my dad’s lungs enough that he could breathe. I was focusing so completely on the task that when it finally happened, when he spit out a huge mouthful of water and then started to cough, I could barely believe it. I kept pounding my fist into the spot below his sternum until he started struggling against me.

And even then, even as I heard him draw one loud, shaky breath into his lungs, I still didn’t believe it. “Daddy?” I shouted to be heard above the roaring of the waves, slipping back into the childhood endearment as if it were a comfortable old slipper that had just been waiting for me to find it again.

“What happened?” he gasped between coughing fits.

I was hoping he’d be able to tell me that. “I don’t know. Are you okay?”  All his limbs were attached and he didn’t seem to be bleeding, but something had obviously happened to him out here. 

Something that seemed less and less like an animal attack and more like—

At that moment, something wrapped itself around my ankles and tugged. Hard.

CONTINUE THE HUNT

To keep going on your quest for the hunt, you need to check out the next author, Amy Plum! Happy Hunting!!!!! 

Tempest Revealed!!!!! 1st Excerpt!!!!

Here's an excerpt from Tempest Revealed!  I'm so excited to finally be sharing it with you :)  Let me know what you think!

When I woke up, I was floating. Sabyn had unchained me but was keeping a close eye on me from his spot across the room.  It took a second for me to register that I was still alive.  I allowed myself a moment of pure relief before whirling toward Sabyn yet again.  I sent out the most powerful blast of electricity I could muster. It should have been enough to knock him on his ass, if not fry him completely, but nothing happened. In fact, he just stood there, smirking at me as I blasted him again and again and again.

It only took a couple times for me to figure out that it wasn’t that Sabyn was repelling the electricity, it was that I wasn’t actually firing any. Just like I wasn’t shooting any energy pulses either. My powers had completely dried up.

Are you done? he asked. Because there are things I’d like to talk about, and frankly, you don’t look like you can do that and listen at the same time.

I sent another blast his way. Then another. And another. Still nothing. What did you do to me?

If you’d calm down a little bit, maybe we could talk about it.

I did scream then, reaching deep inside myself for the reserves of power I rarely had to draw on. I fired absolutely everything I had at him and prayed.

All he did was yawn. Then he walked toward the door, his total disregard for my powers obvious in the way he turned his back on me—something he never would have done before.

Okay. All right. The words came out hoarse and breathless, a testament to just how hard I’d been fighting him. What do you want to talk about?

I knew you’d come around.

I coughed, then felt my gills ooze a little. When I put my hands up to them it was to find out that I was bleeding. Sabyn had really done a number on me.

I’m sorry about that, he said. I guess I was too rough.

I didn’t bother to answer. He’d smothered me into unconsciousness, so yeah, I had a tendency to see that as “too rough.”

What do you want, Sabyn? I’m too tired to play games.

Even after your nap? I’m so sorry to hear that. He gestured to the floor. Why don’t you have a seat, get comfortable? He pulled a picnic basket into the room, set it down next to me. Maybe something to eat will help with your exhaustion.

I stared at the basket in disbelief. I’m not hungry.

He shrugged his shoulders. I guess that depends on how badly you want answers. Besides, who knows when I’ll decide to feed you next.

You are completely revolting.

And you are a total pain in the ass, but here we are anyway. He held out a kelp bar. Try it. It’s pretty good.

I don’t think so.

He shrugged, then took a big bite. Suit yourself.

Sabyn settled with the picnic on the ground, or at least as close to the ground as he could get with the sea water pushing at him. Merpeople, like other half-human sea creatures, have a built in resistance to the ocean’s buoyancy, which allows them to counteract it any time they want. It doesn’t mean they’ll be able to walk on the ocean floor without effort, but it does mean that they won’t float more than an inch or so above it unless they want to. My resistance isn’t as good as a full merperson’s but I can usually stay two or three inches above whatever it is I’m resting on. Unless I’m concentrating. Then I can lay on a bed or walk on the ground like any other merperson.

            Are you going to tell me what’s going on here, Sabyn? You can’t actually think you’re going to get away with holding me prisoner.

            He laughed. Who’s going to stop me? Kona? From what I hear, he can barely stand to be in the same ocean with you. Besides, he’s got other problems right now.

            My blood ran cold. What do you mean?

            You screwed things for a lot of people when you took off for home last week. Now Coral Straits is mine, and Kona’s kingdom … well, let’s just say it’s not really his anymore. But don’t feel too bad; his people are probably relieved. He’s been having a rough time over there since you dumped him.

            Sabyn’s words hit me hard, made me focus on the guilt that was always just below the surface. I wanted to lash out at him, to tell him off, but I couldn’t. I needed him. Not just for me—I was more than happy to piss him off when I was the only one at risk. But Sabyn had news of Kona, and that I wanted desperately. He might not be my boyfriend anymore, but that didn’t mean I didn’t still care about him. If something else happened to him because he was helping me … I’d never forgive myself. And I would make Sabyn, and Tiamat, pay.

            I’d never been particularly bloodthirsty as a human. Even as a mermaid, I would rather flight than fight if I could get away with it. But I’d had about enough of Sabyn and Tiamat and all the other sea monsters they had working with them. If I got out of this damn dungeon alive, I swore I would take them all down, no matter what it took. Their reign of terror had to end.

            But I was smart enough to know that there was no way I’d get a chance to escape if I didn’t play nice with Sabyn. Oh, I didn’t necessarily expect him to buy it—he wasn’t a total idiot, after all. But he was vain, really vain, and if I worked it long enough, maybe his guard would slip. If not today, then some time soon.

            Hating myself and what I had to do, I settled down next to him and his ridiculous picnic. I even grabbed one of the disgusting kelp bars and took a bite, praying it wasn’t poisoned.

            He didn’t say anything while we ate, and neither did I. I was smart enough to know that I had to wait for him to take the lead or I would never get anywhere. But it was so hard, when I was dying to know where Kona was. Not to mention what he had done to my powers. If there was ever a time I needed them, this was it. I couldn’t do anything without them.

            Sabyn forced me to sit there, watching him go through a truly disgusting amount of food. I knew it was for effect, that he was showing me he was the one in control. But even understanding his motivation, it was difficult not to grab one of the kelp and veggie sandwiches and cram it down his throat until he choked on the stupid thing. Except he was a merman so he couldn’t actually choke. More’s the pity.

            Finally, when I felt like I was going to lose my mind if he made me wait one more second, he pushed his plate away with a huge sigh. Beer? he asked, holding out a brew made of red algae. It was Kona’s favorite brand and my heart thumped a little in my chest when I saw it.

            I shook my head. I hated the stuff. Besides, the last thing I needed right now was to cloud my brain with alcohol.

            So, Sabyn said after taking a long drink. I have a proposition for you.

            Finally. What do you want?

            You.

            Excuse me? Surely I’d heard wrong. Then again, he looked surprisingly earnest when he leaned forward and reached for my hand. I yanked it away before he could get a good grip on it, then folded my arms over my chest in case he hadn’t gotten the hint. I had to admit I felt like I was in the middle of a particularly weird and horrifying episode of The Twilight Zone. Or maybe X-Files. That show has always freaked me out.

            I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. Nor did he do anything besides stare at me with a wounded expression on his face. Like my not wanting him to touch me had somehow offended him. Which was so ridiculous it made me long for my powers even more. There was nothing I wanted at that moment as much as the ability to blast him into next week.

            Finally the whole nervous talker thing got the better of me and I demanded, Sabyn, what the hell are you up to?

            I thought that was obvious. I’m taking over your kingdom.

            Yeah, I got that. But what are you doing bringing me picnic lunches? We’re pretty much the definition of mortal enemies at this point.

            I think that’s a little harsh, don’t you?

            You shot me with a dart gun, stripped me of my powers and chained me in a dungeon. And that was just today.

            Yes, but that was for your own good.

            My own good? I almost choked on my utter incredulity.

            In case you didn’t notice, people weren’t exactly overjoyed to see you today. He gestured carelessly to the world outside my dungeon walls.

            I didn’t talk to anybody. That’s the whole point. You have my people so terrified of you that they wouldn’t even come greet me.

            That wasn’t terror, Tempest. That was disgust. I didn’t seize control of Coral Straits. It was given to me in a gift box, all wrapped up with a shiny bow.

            I don’t believe you.

            He shrugged. Fine, don’t believe me. That doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Your people sold you out.

            I wanted to ignore him, to discount everything he was saying. But he was so calm, so rational, so sure of himself that it was hard to do. Besides, I could still see Bali’s face, could see all those people who saw me come into town today and went out of their way not to talk to me. After seeing Sabyn, I had decided it was fear that motivated them. But what if it was something else? What if they had chosen Sabyn as a leader? They could have been avoiding me because no one wanted to be the one to tell me. Or worse, because they’d known what was waiting for me and they were okay with me being hurt, imprisoned, trapped.

But still. Why would they do that? I demanded. Even as I asked, I was aware of the irony of seeking answers¸ reassurance, from the man who had put me in this situation.

My guess? They don’t like your ties to the human world. Every time things get rough, you run home to your daddy and that human boyfriend of yours. You have to admit, it’s a little pathetic.

I wasn’t about to discuss Mark or my family with Sabyn. They were none of his business and, truthfully, I hated that he knew anything about them at all.  I decided to change the subject. So, at risk of sounding like a broken record, what are you doing here? If you have the monarchy of Coral Straits all tied up, what are you doing in this dungeon with me?

He smiled, then, and it was such a cold, slimy thing that I had to force myself not to shudder. The way he was looking at me made me feel like Little Red Riding Hood at the foot of her grandmother’s bed after the big bad wolf had climbed into it—like I was lunch and I just didn’t know it yet.

Funny you should ask, he told me, tipping his beer toward me in a little salute before he drained the bottle and tossed it back into that ridiculous picnic basket. I’m here to ask for your hand in marriage.

 

Awkward 2x9 Recap: Homewrecker Hamilton

Sorry about last week's missed post--beach vacation got in the way. I'll get back to it at some point.

Awkward 2x9: Homewrecker Hamilton Summary and Review in 1000 words or less

The Least You Need to Know: At Aunt Ally's wedding, Sadie told Jake everything. Subsequently, Jake kicked Jenna to the curb just moments after she declared her love via VM. Upon hearing the news Matty rushed right over to comfort his friend J-Town, with his lips...while Jake peeped from outside. Dundundun! Also, Lacey's Ben = Matty, not Jake. Ah, foreshadowing.

The Set-Up: 2 days post-breakup, Jenna's staying at Cute Dad's place updating IamJenna.com and bemoaning her loss. Why, Jake, why? Except for the moments when she's reminiscing her Matty makeout session. Phone rings. Not hers. Some chick for her dad. WTW? No time to ponder though cause Cute Dad's bought her a new old car. Noooooo! Big gift means the big D for her parents, right? Ding. Finally, Jake returns one of her texts...Oh. Shite. It's a pic of her and Matty en flagrante delipto. Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater.

The sagging middle: At school, in the Jenna wagon, Tamara and Ming weigh in on the pic sitch: Holy! Shite! Jenna argues her innocence--the Matty mack down did not occur until post-dump. She's clear on a technicality. Now to explain the timeline to Jake. Easier said than done. He holes up in the john to avoid her.

Meanwhile, in my absolute fave storyline of this so-so season, Becca, leader of the PHH Asian mafia materializes at Ming's locker with test answers, Ming's missing glasses, and her locker combo. Where's Fred Woo? Ming asks. Fred who? Never heard of him, Becca replies.

Jake finally exits the can and Jenna declares her innocence-on-a-technicality. Too little, too late. I know everything! Jake states. Oh, Holy. Shite!! Matty, too,  exclaims when Jenna shows him the pic and the relates the new status quo. How did this happen?? You're welcome, offers Sadist Sadie. You're a bitch, replies Matty. Thanks for the compliment, but you're the villain here, retorts Sadie. You kept big time secrets from your BFF.

Jake refuses to talk to either of them, and no one is talking to Ming, including Fred Woo. And her test answers were wrong. Has she been disavowed by the Asian Mafia, Tamara wonders. In the quad, it's time for Wheel. Of. Pep. hosted by the scorned sophomore class prez, Jake. Jenna volunteers in a bid to make him hear the truth: all the Matty goodness happened pre- and post-Jake.(How that's supposed to make things better, IDK). Why don't we bring up your partner-in-cuckoldry, too? says Jake. Come on down, Matty McKibben!

Once on stage, things get ugly faster than a Sadie/Ricky makeout sesh. Kiss Matty, slut! taunts Jake. Step off, Matty defends J-Town's honor, garnering a right hook from Jake. Then another taunt and punch. And another. Until Matty cold clocks his BFF and oh-so-classily declares "I Effed Your Girlfriend" in front of the whole school.

This lands the boys before VP Crazy Cakes for arbitration. Matty takes the fall for the fight and for Jenna's cheatin ways. Jake delares their friendship finito. And then in the most effed up move of the season, Jenna, who just two days before was wondering whether her residual feelings for her ex-luvah were the reason for her reticence in saying the L-word to her current squeeze, bypasses said chivalrous ex-luvah in favor of the guy who is publicly proclaiming her Hester Prynne, the sequel. Sad-faced Matty breaks my heart.

In the sanctuary, Ming is waiting for a skulking Fred Woo. Shhh! he says. I like you, so I can't talk to you. Ever. Why? Ming wants to know. Becca's my ex and she's going ninja on your ass. You're in danger, girlfriend.

Jenna has a new moniker: KStew Homewrecker Hamilton (Though I'm still unsure how this particular name applies. What home's were wrecked?) Also, she's now driving the Slut!-mobile.This sends Lacey over the edge. How could Cute Dad buy you a car without my input? she moans. Cause he most likely wants a divorce, Jenna reveals. Lacey sad.

Denouement: IamJenna.com update: Jenna's a wreck. But Anon convinces her that maybe s/he shouldn't be the only one privy to Jenna's private thoughts. Next day, Tamara reveals that Jenna's blog has gone wide. Everybody knows everything. Result: Jake's ex-Lissa is pleased; Kyle declares Jenna Lives is back together; Jake is...humiliated. And so is Matty.

Who did this? indignant Tamara demands. I did, stuns Jenna.

In Review: This week was the villanization of Jake, the transformation of Matty from pussy to warrior, and the set-up for Jenna to choose...neither. Yes, I'm afraid the writers are going to go with the old "I choose me" scenario ala the original YA tv love triangle, 90210. Because Jenna can't pick either without coming off as a bitch.  My predictions for the rest of the season are thus: Jenna will not make Sophie's choice; Matty will have a relationship with the bimbette; Lissa will make a play to get back humiliated Jake; Lacey and Cute Dad will reconcile. Matty and Jenna's reunion will be fodder for season 3.

Please, for once, let my writerly instincts be wrong!!

Best Matty/Jenna moment: Holy shite! moment at Matty's locker when he reminds Jenna that her lips were pretty involved, too.

Best lines: Two guys, fighting over a girl is...a fantasy for some women.

Awkward Epi 2x7:

Another One Bites The Dust Summary and Review in 1000 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: Jenna's feelings for Jake are befuddled, and sex may just be the answer. But not right now. Cause Aunt Ally's getting married! To Sadie's uncle? What!

The Set-Up: Ah, her wedding day...the day all little girls dream about since their first Disney movie.  Jenna's wondering about hers while at the bridal shop waiting for Aunt Ally to emerge in what she, Sadie, Lacey and some prego chick bridesmaid are betting will be some Miley Cyrus-inspired gown. Except it's totally classy, and hey, so are the bridesmaid dresses. Maybe this won't be so bad... Hold the phone--what is that fuscia floral monstrosity?? That's for you, flower bitch, Ally tells Jenna.

Tamara tells her not to worry, just have the requisite pervy old uncle at the wedding get you drinks and you'll forget all about this hideous dress. Guess what? Lacey's spending the night at the hotel, so tonight it's bom chicka wah wah time with Sweetheart Jake, Jenna spills. Meantime, Ally's inner bridezilla is emerging and while taming it, Lacey divulges that the reason for the hotel room is to tempt Cute Dad into some hotel sex reconciliation. Sorry, Lacey, your hubby RSVP'd in the negatory. But guess who didn't?!? Ben!! Squee!!! (And my Felicity analogy stands)

The Sagging Middle: Ben? Who's Ben? Jenna wonders. But there's no time because her flower basket is missing. Crisis ensues! The wedding planner's assistant quits under the pressure. Here, take Tamara, she works cheap, Jenna offers. But Ally's already tipped over the edge, and Jenna quits her role of flower bitch.

She calls Jake, who's borrowing a suit from Matty. Hey, forget the wedding, we're in the clear for sexy times at 5 o'clock. Make that 4:59, Jake replies all grins. Probably good thing, Matty tells him, cause this suit is cursed. By the by, who was the chick who dumped you at formal? Jake wonders. Luckily for Matty the phone rings: Courtney, his new piece. So, what's the dealio with y'all? asks Jake. She could be GF material, says Matty. Whew! You're finally over that girl from camp, congratulates his BFF. Yeah, finally...

At the Hamilton's, Sadist Sadie arrives, rubbing her kissy-kissy with Douche Ricky in Heartbroken Tamara's face. Whatever. Who's Ben? Jenna needs to know. Lacey's first love, Ally replies. Yikes! Jenna and T, do some Sherlock Holmsing into Lacey's high school past: yearbooks, pics. Ding dong. Here's Ben...and he's totally cute and all over Lacey. DefCon 2! Jenna declares. Flower bitch is back!

Ben is tall, dark and all over Lacey. Hey, mom, remember Cute Dad? Dad, who? All Lacey can remember is her memories of Ben, the man who swiped her v-card and...OMG! Ben=Matty. Jenna dials 911 to her dad. But then they need a real ambulance when the prego girl's water breaks. Crap, I need another bridesmaid, wails Ally. Who's available last minute on a Saturday afternoon? Hey, Crazy Cakes. Jenna begs Val for a favor: distract this Ben from my mom and I'll buy you a new cat. I'm in, agrees Crazy Cakes.

Next: Ally vs. Sadie. Ally wants bridesmaids' hair in double buns. Sadie says no. Bridezilla wins. Double buns. Jenna takes a moment to remind Lacey of her let-no-man-put-asunder vows with her dad. But Ben's so hawt, drools Lacey. Tamara, mic'd up like J.Lo. in that wedding planner movie with McConaughey, tells Jenna she's got a visitor.

Hi, Matty. Adorkably cute convo ensues. Then Jake appears. Thanks for the suit, bro, and have fun with Courtney (aka Bimbette), wink, wink. Matty to J-Town: You and my BFF look great together. Happy times to you, but my heart, it stings. (Aww!) Obligingly, Jenna asks of Matty's new piece. Oh, she's great; we're great; it's all greatness, he assures. My heart, it stings, too, she tells him. Closure is bittersweet.

So, maybe I'm overreacting over my mom and her Ben? thinks Jenna. Not so much. On the phone Ben's telling someone that Lacey's a total MILF and he's making a move at the wedding.

Ding, dong, ding! The wedding bells have rung for Aunt Ally. And Jenna's got her hands full keeping Lacey off the booze and off of Ben, who's pouring it on extra thick. Also, Ricky and Sadie keep shoving their tongues down each other's throats and Tamara's a woman on the edge. Time for her BFF to step in. Tone it down, she warns Sadie. All's fair in love, Sadie retorts. Maybe for now, but your's won't be the only mouth Ricky sticks his tongue down for long, Jenna tells her.

Meanwhile, Aunt Ally's all shades of Sixteen Candles with some muscle relaxers. Lacey's afraid she's rushed into this marriage, but Ally says he's the first man who really loved her. You don't forget that. Ever. Lacey looks longingly to Ben. Sick'em, Crazy Cakes! Jenna begs. No way, I don't do pretty boys, Crazy Cake avows.

Sadie confronts Ricky about his cheatin' ways. Dollface, my tongue is yours forever, he promises. This, deliberately in front of Tamara. It's Sweetheart Jake who suits up for the rescue. Jenna tells Ben to step off cause her dad is aces. Ben reminds her: don't take the one you love for granted. Word. It's sexy time for Jake!

(That gd demon movie trailer scares the shite outta me!)

Denouement: Jake's giving the gears to Sadist Sadie, for Tamara, which convinces Jenna it's time to give him the L-word. But it may be too late, cause Sadie fights dirty and tells Jake he's getting his BFF Matty's sloppy seconds. No way, he says, but as the pieces start to fall into place in his head (the mysterious girl from camp, the secret convos at their lockers, the winter formal) he's not so sure. Poor Jake...

Best Matty/Jenna moment: It stings!!

Best lines: Big love hair.

Awkward 2x6 Episode Recap

Awkward. 2x6 Summary and Review in 1000 words or less

Again, sorry for the delay...

The Least You Need to Know: Valentine's Day sucks! Except for Ming. And definitely no more double-dates with your first love and his new piece. Also, Jake loves Jenna, which is totally awesome, right? Then  how come she can't say it back??

The Set-up: Jenna's tossing and turning. Why didn't Jake's love declaration illicit the same response in her? Maybe she's just not in touch with her feelings yet. But no time to think cause... Aunt Ally's back, beyotches! Sportin a diamond on her ring finger. From Dan, who after just two weeks, a trip to Paris and 4.6 carats later, she lurves. How can Ally know so soon and I can't, Jenna wonders?

Tamara and Ming are pretty sure her "awesome" response sent Jake scrambling for a Prozac scrip. Also, Tamara declares her post-bladder-failure nickname as Tinklebell to all the haters.  Are you in love with Jake? Check yes or no, they demand. Maybe, maybe not, answers Jenna. That's a no, they decide.

In the sanctuary, Sadist Sadie demands some heavy petting from Douche Ricky. I want more, he tells her. Not a chance, band geek. I don't take my shame grope out in public. 

You're leading Jake on, T & M tell Jenna. But I love being his GF, isn't that the same thing? You either know or you don't, there's no middle ground with love. And Ming knows first hand, cause of Fred Woo. 

Taking a break from the announcements with guest host, Matty.

Jake: Hey, bro, I told Jenna the L-word. 

Matty: Whoa! Y'all had sex? 

Jake: No.  

Matty: Amateur. You dangle that carrot till she puts out. Gotta play it chill now, dude. She'll come around. 

Jake: Easy for you, stud. You've never been in love.

Matty: (sad face)

In class, Jenna presents Exhibit A to Tamara: her notebook with a lovey-dovey pic of J&J on the cover. All good, except for the "I heart M.M." written on the back, T argues. Maybe residual Matty feelings are clouding her Jake feelings. Sex is the answer, Tamara declares. 

Jenna passes Matty on the way to Jake. It's full of weird. Anywho...hey, Jake, apropo of nothing, we should have sex--Oops! Is that mic hot? Um, yes. 

Here's your scarlett "A", Hester Prynne, the school declares. But Matty rescues her from the tar & feathers. Should I give Jake the map to J-Town? Oh Hells No. (And they're so adorkably cute together I can barely stand it!) Okey dokey, but go easy, ex-luvah, cause he's really in to you, i.e. don't break his poor besotted heart like mine. Hey, guess what? Matty's moved out of the weird zone and into the friend zone, Jenna decides. (Note: Ex's never stay in the friend zone, Jenna. They either come back off the bench or retire. This is basic relationship 101 stuff.)

Crazy Cakes calls Jenna to her office. About the sex, some advice: Be a lady in the streets, and a freak in the sheets. Also, me and your mom are doing yoga this afternoon. 

Sex is not the answer to her love dilemma, Jenna decides. Too bad Jake is totally jonesin for some Jenna luvin. Let's sync our calendars for sexy times. Guess what? I'm free now, says Jake. Yay? thinks Jenna. How bout my car? Too small. Your mom's at yoga right? Oh, yeah...okay, if you insist, let's go to my house and have the sex. Mercy bang, anyone?

Parked car. Rockin. Douche-Ricky and Sadist Sadie in the backseat. Last time, she declares. No, he begs. Man up, dude. 

Approaching the Hamilton homestead, Sweetheart Jake's bouncing around like a rat terrier with a new toy. But Lacey, Crazy Cakes, and Aunt Ally are at home for the ultimate cockblock. Uh, rain check, please. Jake exits stage left. 

Ding dong. What's Sadist Sadie doing here? Turns out she and Jenna are gonna be kissing cousins when Aunt Ally marries Sadie's rich Uncle Dan. How did you know Dan's the man if you've not tested the plumbing beforehand? everyone inquires of Ally. If the feelings aren't already there, it's just plain ole S-E-X. And speaking of sex, Lacey needs to get laid. But what about Cute Dad? Is it over? 

Sadie ponders Aunt Ally's LoveLine wisdom and calls Douche Ricky--this may just be a match made in the ninth ring of hell. 

Updating Iamjenna.com: If doing the deed doesn't decide my feelings, maybe it's not worth doing it? Except Lacey reveals that sometimes the sex and the feelings all come at the same time, like with Cute Dad. So Jenna rings Jake: I've got the comdoms, big boy. Let's do this.

Jake scores his mom's mini-van. Jenna, playing the part of Felicity Porter (Season 1 episode ?), rushes to undress, but wait...Jake, ever the sweetheart, has constructed a love nest in the back complete with sprinkled rose petals. Gawd. Hey, you’re not just doing this to make me feel better? asks Noel Jake. Cause I just can’t hold in my love and if we don’t make it after this, I’ll pine for you forever, Felicity Jenna. (I’m pretty sure Jake is Noel at this point, or a girl. But definitely not a 16 year old guy, except a 16 y.o. guy as written by a 30-something y.o woman.) Well, guess what? I’m in love after all, Jenna finally decides, before she chokes on all the sap. But let’s wait on the sexy times, k? It’ll be worth it--just ask Matty...

Best Matty/Jenna moments: The hallway...just...loved it.

Best Lines I plan to work into my conversations: You're so J.V.
If you drink enough wine it tastes like love.

The YA Scavenger Hunt is Here!!!!

Hi guys!!! Welcome to the Summer 2012 YA Scavenger Hunt!

This tri-annual event was first organized by author Colleen Houck as a way to give readers a chance to gain access to exclusive bonus material from their favorite authors...and a chance to win some awesome prizes! At this hunt, you not only get access to exclusive content from each author, you also get a clue for the hunt. Add up the clues, and you can enter for our prize--one lucky winner will receive one signed book from each author on the hunt in my team! But play fast: this contest (and all the exclusive bonus material) will only be online for 4 days!

Go to the YA Scavenger Hunt page to find out all about the hunt. There are TWO contests going on simultaneously, and you can enter one or all! I am a part of the RED Team--but there is also a blue team for a chance to win a whole different set of signed books!
If you'd like to find out more about the hunt, see links to all the authors participating, and see the full list of prizes up for grabs, go to the YA Scavenger Hunt homepage.

SCAVENGER HUNT PUZZLE

Directions: Below, you'll notice that I've listed my favorite number. Collect the favorite numbers of all the authors on the red team, and then add them up (don't worry, you can use a calculator!).

Entry Form: Once you've added up all the numbers, make sure you fill out the form here to officially qualify for the grand prize. Only entries that have the correct number will qualify.

Rules: Open internationally, anyone below the age of 18 should have a parent or guardian's permission to enter. To be eligible for the grand prize, you must submit the completed entry form by August 5, at noon Pacific Time. Entries sent without the correct number or without contact information will not be considered.

SCAVENGER HUNT POST

Today, I'm really excited to introduce you to YA author, Teri Terry!  She is a super cool lady and her new book, Slated, sounds absolutely fascinating.  I can't wait to read it 13 times!  Here's the scoop about Teri:

Teri has lived in France, Canada, Australia and now England at more addresses than she can count.  Moving constantly as a child, teenager and also as an adult has kept her on the outside looking in much of her life.  It has given her an obsession with characters who don't belong for find themselves in unfamiliar places, like Kyla in Slated.

 And here's the scoop on her book!

Kyla's memory has been erased, her personality wiped blank, her memories lost forever.

She's been Slated.

The government claims she was a terrorist, and that they are giving her a second chance - as long as she plays by their rules. But echoes of the past whisper in Kyla's mind. Someone is lying to her, and nothing is as it seems. Who can she trust in her search for the truth?

Find out more information about Teri by checking out her website or find more about her book here!

And don't forget to enter the contest for a chance to win a copy of my June book, Tempest Unleashed, as well as Teri's books and a ton of other signed books! To enter, you need to find my favorite number, written in red somewhere in this blog post. Add up all the favorite numbers of the authors on the red team and you'll have the secret code to enter for the grand prize!

Also, I'm giving away a prize as well-- an ARC of my January Armageddon novel, Doomed.  Here's the blurb:

Beat the Game, Save the World.

One Stuxnet type worm,

One Greek-themed MMO,

One real world scavenger hunt,

Three teenagers on the run

And a ten-day countdown to total nuclear annihilation .

Pandora’s Box isn’t just a myth anymore …

When seventeen-year-old Pandora Walker opens an email attachment, she uploads the most frightening worm ever invented—and in doing so, brings about total technological Armageddon. Everything from the internet to communications to utilities collapses and suddenly Pandora finds herself on the run from Homeland Security, the FBI and every police department in the country, all of whom blame her for the technological wasteland sweeping across the U.S..  With the help of stepbrothers Eli and Theo, her neighbors and the two hottest guys in school-- plus codes encrypted in a world famous MMO--  she sets out on a real life scavenger hunt that only she can solve.  A scavenger hunt that pits her against one of the most brilliant men in the world—the maker of the Pandora worm.  Her father.  Only by unraveling the clues left by him in the MMO, and in real-world places around the U.S., can they hope to beat the clock ticking the days off until the entire planet is Doomed. 

All you have to do to be entered to win the ARC of Doomed is to leave a comment here on my blog!

CONTINUE THE HUNT

To keep going on your quest for the hunt, you need to check out the next author, the fabulous and amazing Peter Adam Salomon!

Awkward 2x5 Recap: My Love is a Black Heart

Sorry for the late post, I was out of town last week and just got caught up on my Awkward. watching. So, here we go...

Awkward. Episode 2x5 Summary and Review in 500 1053 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: After her baptism by fire at Jesus camp with Jake's ex-Lissa, Jenna decides she must forgive herself her trespasses, and that she and Matty can be friends...that is until she sees him sniff his pits over some freshman bimbette.

The Set-Up: Valentine's Day, great and terrible, the day all singletons fear the worst, even more than NYE, has come to pass at Palos Hills High. A KStew situation is going down in the quad prompting a severe case of PTXD--Post Traumatic Ex Disorder. Of which Tamara is also still in the throes of over douche-flame Ricky. But not Jenna, cause she's got Sweetheart Jake, so this year she's a Lover not a Hater.

The Sagging Middle: Matty comes to her for perfect date tips. For Jake perhaps? Jenna gives him pointers. Then Sweetheart Jake arrives with some kind of cutesy, cute stuffed thing. (Guys, just...no.) It's a Love Bug, he proclaims, but Jenna's too preoccupied scoping out the freshman bimbette Matty's whispering sweet nothings to. She's tall, blonde--your basic nightmare. So, what's the sitch on Matty and the bimbette? Dating? Nah, assures Jake, he's getting ready to tap that like a keg of Natty Light at a moontower party.

Elsewhere, Sadist Sadie proclaims her loathing of Vday, but when Jake's ex-Lissa invites her over for their annual viewing of Mean Girls, Sadie passes. (By the by, loving Lissa's new backbone).  During lunch, Ming reveals that instead of doing cyanide shots with Tamara she's going to the BHP--the infamous Black Hearts Party. Squee! Take me, Tamara begs. No way, says Ming, Ricky S is gonna be there and the rumor from the Tong is he's in lurve. Jenna, however, can't concentrate on anything except the bimbette. Guys, is she cute? she asks. Um, hells yeah, T & Ming concur. Whatever. I'm not jealous, Jenna tells Crazy Cakes. Who is she kidding? Not even herself.

Cute Dad drops Jenna back  home and she informs him their annual father/daughter date is on pause this year because of Sweetheart Jake. In walks Lacey. Totally awkward family reunion ensues, but Cute Dad's not into it. Jenna smarts off about her mom's shenanigans with Crazy Cakes, so Lacey drops the mom-block: curfew's at 10.

It's the perfect date with the perfect boy at the perfect restaurant. Everything's perfect, perfect, perfect...scraaaatch. Matty's there, bimbette in tow. At the table a deux right next to theirs. Gotta be a total setup, right? Bimbette meet Jenna-with-the-big-green-eyes.

The Black Hearts Party is raving. Douche-flame Ricky tosses Tamara a casual howdy-do, sending T into a tailspin of cheap booze and dry humping with randoms.

At the double-date from hell, Jenna's plate is full of something guaranteed to send her into anaphalactic shock. No worries. Matty steps in to take it off her hands. Hey, how does he know and I don't? wonders Sweetheart Jake.  Meanwhile Matty spoonfeeds Bimbette, who practically fellates the fork. Jake's a nervous wreck about this train wreck V-date. Then Jenna totally emasculates him when he wants to buy her a posy from Eliza Doolittle but regrets it when Matty buys tulips for the bimbette. Jenna, pick a team already! And speaking of teams, talk at the table turns to football as romance takes a backseat to bromance. Bimbette leans in for a girl-to-girl gab session - I cannot believe I'm on a date with Matty McKibben! That makes two of us, bemoans Jenna.

Back at the BHP, Tamara continues her downward spiral into Fatal Attraction territory, but pauses for Mings first red cup photo op courtesy of Fred Woo.

Across the table, Jake takes Jenna's hand. Ha! Suck on that Bimbette, you'll never get this with Matty--oops! my napkin. J ducks and finds not only her lost linen, but some Undercover DA at the other table.  Crack!! Head meet table. Jenna consoles herself that at least what she saw was hidden, except...now it isn't. Matty's hand. Bimbette's hand. Entwined. Right there for God and Jenna to see. She flees to confess her seething jealousy to Tamara's VM. Matty shows up with napkin of ice for her bump. Thanks for the date pointers, he says.  See, he IS totally trying to make me jealous, Jenna believes. But, nah, he just wants this to be legit with Bimbette, not like he was with her. Jenna sad. Then in rides Sweetheart Jake with an ice pack. (Not gonna lie--I feel totally sorry for Jake, but also I kinda wanna slap him.)

Ming is totally getting down with Fred Woo, until distraught Tamara sits down for the cockblock. Okay, wrap this up, Ming, while I pee and we're gonna jet. But, of course, the line for the ladies' room is four effin' miles long. Tamara makes for the door and bangs on it. We must pee!! Door flies open to reveal--dundundun!--Sadist Sadie's tongue down Douche-Ricky's throat. Anguished, Tamara's sphincter can hold no more.

Denounement: Ext. Hamilton House. Great date! Jenna assures Jake. Def better than what my Dad had planned, exhibit A: he left a Love Bug for her on the porch, identical to the one Jake gave her earlier. (Dear God, Jenna, don't you see--Jake is just like your dad. Freud, anyone?) Jake presents her with a bouquet of calla lilies--strong and beautiful, just like you, he croons. Way better than tulips, she says. Oops, was that out loud? Don't screw this up, she tells herself. Jake is perfect, perfect, perfect. I love you, Jenna, he professes. Big smile, big kiss, and...Awesome!?! No ditto, no vice-versa, just awesome. Jake leaves, crushed.

Lacey: You're late.
Jenna: Here's a gift from Dad. It's a love bug.
Lacey clings to it like the last life preserver on the Titanic. In Jenna's room, Tamara is sobbing undercover. No more tears, T, cause Sadie & Ricky deserve each other. You have to move on, Jenna preaches. I have (since when, Jenna?) and so should Matty, she thinks. (Easy to say when the bimbette isn't around...)

Best Matty/Jenna moment: When he takes whatever it is off her plate and tells Jake she's allergic.
Best phrase I'm going to start using: Darth Hater

Awkward 2x4 Recap Are You There God? It's Me, Jenna

Okay, I know I haven't yet posted the recap for the epic Three's a Crowd, and I promise I will, but I'm going to jump ahead into last night's religulous experience Are You There God? It's Me, Jenna.

Awkward. Epsiode 2x4 Summary and Review in 500 798 words or less

The Least You Need to Know: Matty is totally trying to sabotage Jenna's relationship with Jake. Also, Lacey is failing in her reconciliation attempts with Kevin aka Cute Dad.

The Set-Up: Guilt! So much guilt. Guilt for being the catalyst in her parents' breakup. Guilt for not telling Jake about Matty. Guilt about still having feelings for Matty??? And to assuage it, the shiny mother ship of guilt--church. Hey, at least there's donuts! But also Jake's ex-Lissa, who invites Jenna to Jesus camp for the weekend, to atone for the all the sinning aka boyfriend theft (and maybe some impure thoughts abouts an ex? just sayin...).

The Sagging Middle: Tamara is not down with this whole weekend cult experience. Do not drink the kool-aid, she warns. But Jenna feels the need for some spiritual healing. Oh, hey, stalker Kyle, waz up with the Jenna Lives band? Broke up. Too much unwanted attention from jocks and pretty boys (wink, wink). We're now Take It Outside. WTF? That's my line, Tamara says.

Sadist Sadie confronts ex-BFF Lissa about her refusal to fall back in line. No way. Lissa blames Sadie for her bad karma. Besides Jenna's gonna be her new bestie. Sadie is not pleased.

Jenna steps into Crazy Cakes's office. I broke up my parents so I'm going to Jesus Camp. Holy Match.com! Cute Dad is available? Focus, Crazy Cakes. Jenna, just remember that turning to God is a slippery slope, Val counsels. First it's all hugs and the next thing you know you're bald and handing out leaflets at the airport.

In the quad, hot girls give Matty the eye, but he's blinded by his broken heart. You've got to get over that lame bitch, Jake tells him. What lame bitch? Jenna asks. The one who dumped Matty, Jake reminds. Oh, yeah, me, Jenna remembers. Great idea, bro--let's double date this weekend, Jake invites. Oh, Hells No--I'm going to church camp, declares Jenna. It's gonna be love, peace, and donuts. But who does she spy on the bus to redemption? The anti-Christ, Sadie. Hallelujah?

Rescue me T, Jenna begs from the woods. Sorry, I'm grounded cause of that douche-flame Ricky Schwartz I keep flitting to, says moth-Tamara.  Also, thanks for the stalker.

Like Moses on Mount Sanai, Sadist Sadie lays down the law to Jenna: Lissa is mine. Luckily for Jenna, there's a ubiquitous-YA gay guy to listen to her moan session and teach her a lesson--Own Your Own Shit! In the words of Judy Blume, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.

At a bar, Lacey's desperately praying Jenna will call for a rescue. Hey, single lady! calls out Crazy Cakes. No, we're on a break, Lacey replies, cause I can't be single. Whatever, says Val. Let me show you how to break bread in public, alone.

It's come as your favorite biblical character night at camp. Lissa is Eve, Gay Guy is Adam, and Jenna's the serpent, natch. Sadie is Mary, about five seconds from needing a manger.

In the Anno Domini, Tamara demands Kyle cease and desist their stalkership.

Back at camp it's time for share circle! It's like Friends of Bill but with Jesus. Lissa confesses her handiwork prowess with Jake. Ewww! But instead it brings Lissa & Jenna closer to BFF status sending Sadist Sadie into the ninth circle of hell. Hey, Hamilton, how bout that suicide attempt? she reveals to all. It was an accident! Beg forgiveness, sinner, sayeth the circle, or burn forever, or is it purgatory, or--? Jenna snaps--Nevermind. Satan Forever!

Val is on step 3 of showing Lacey how to become a crazy cat lady eat in public alone: it's all about the reading material. And the wine. Much wine. Hey, thanks new bestie! says Lacey. No problem, Val replies. Also, I'm going to ask Cute Dad for a date.

Jenna has an epiphany: beneath the dim cheerleader exterior, Jake's ex-Lissa is a really good person. Hugs.

Denouement: IamJenna.com updates: Jenna and Lacey will survive! They've absolved and evolved. And they're not alone, reminds the Anonymous commenter. Who r u? Jenna asks. Not God...

Jenna reveals to Tamara the secret to happiness: compassion. Too bad Tamara has none for stalker  Kyle. If you're gonna stalk me, she says, here's some lite reading. She hands him an All About Tamara scrapbook.

Lissa decides to reconcile with Sadie, realizing that Sadist Saxton is her cross to bear.

Matty apologizes to Jenna about what happened at the quad. You're not a lame bitch, you're boyfriend said that. No worries. Truce? Sure. A tall blonde walks by. Hey, Matty, she purrs. Matty is no longer oblivious, and sniffs his pits. Oh, Sweet Jesus.

Awkward. Episode 2x2 Recap

Episode 2x2 Sex, Lies & The Sanctuary Summary and Review in 500 948 words or less

The Least You Need To Know: Jenna’s still with Jake. Matty asked for a 2^nd chance, but Jenna was all “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda”, so long.

The Set-up: The bliss continues for Jenna as she strolls publicly hand-in-hand with Sweetheart Jake cause he’s not ashamed to be seen with her, even in that tragic outfit she’s wearing. Hey, what’s going down at the Sanctuary? Holy Homeland Security! There’s a camera pointed right at thehigh school’s sex cave. How long has that been there?!?  Jenna prays she and Matty don’t have a starring role in the Palos Hills High Sex Tape.

The Sagging Middle: The footage has been snatched. Mass hysteria prevails. Matty is trying to convince himself that he is not playing the part of Tommy Lee/Ray-J/Rick Salomon on the tape, while Jake moans about his girlfriend’s hymen-less status. Whoa! Back up the cherry tree, Matty says. Are you tapping Hamilton? Not yet, opines Jake. Thanks god—I mean, that’s the past, bro, assures Matty. Chill. Oh, hey, J-town. Don’t J-Town me—did you tell Jake about us? No ways, but pics don’t lie, so we better get our story straight, luvah.

To quell any scandal potential, the principal asks Crazy Cakes to use her insider ways with the kiddoes to procure the whereabouts of said sex tape. She and Jenna attempt to shake down each other for some info, but hit a wall. The Great Wall that is. J and Tamara convince Ming she has to play her Asian card to get the intel. So Ming must kowtow to Becca, leader of the school’s tong. Ming doesn’t really fit in being neither a School Asian (low SATs) or a Cool Asian (no affair with singer of an indie rock band), but Becca agrees to help. Sushi, anyone? Also, here’s the answers to tomorrow’s history test. Use it and stop making us look bad. Ming is enchanted.

At home, Lacey has made all of Jenna’s favorite foods, but J’s not hungry and wants Lacey  to reveal her “A Friend” nom de plume to Cute Dad. But Lacey’s too scared and besides she totally regrets it now. Too little, too late, Jenna declares. Tell Dad or I will.

Next day at school, fear of the sex tape’s contents runs rampant in the hallways. I must tell Jake,  Jenna decides.Call off the Asian mafia. But it’s too late for that Becca tells Ming. The DVD will be delivered as promised tomorrow.

In the boy’s locker room, Matty and Jake are bantering about thongs and such (they have the best chemistry on the show), especially since Jake seems to have grown some lady bits himself. My girlfriend’s not a virgin, wah wah wah. You must chill, dude, insists Matty. But she loved him, bro—how can I compete? Jake replies. Love? Really? Matty takes off, man-on-a-mission styles.

Hey, J-Town, am I still your one and only? Cause, I lurve you, declares Matty, sweet smile of relief on his lips. See, be careful what you wish for, Jenna…

Later, Jakes all: Tell me, I gotta know who it was. Never mind. It doesn’t matter cause I’m super-sensitive Sweetheart Jake and all that matters is that you’re with me now. Gag. So, Jenna’s off that hook. Except, Tamara warns her that if Matty’s willing to say the L-word now, he could go all Jason Bourne on J&J’s romance. And how’s Jake gonna feel then when the video goes viral, in 10, 9, 8, 7…

No worries! Matty & J aren’t on the DVD Becca tells Ming. Crazy Cakes swipes it and hands it over to a very sweaty principal who wants  to shut down some sexy times evidence of his own—resulting in a VP promotion for Crazy Cakes, apparently evil Becca’s plan all along. While Ming comes to the realization that she’s been jumped into the Asian mafia, Jenna basks in the afterglow of getting away with her sexcapade, until she gets a Meet Me text from Matty.

We’re in the clear, he says. So, what about the L- bomb I dropped on you earlier? Again, too little, too late, she says. I’m so sorry, J-town, but please don’t tell Jake. He can’t stand to lose his girl and his bestie. Poor Matty. (Whew! Now that the apology is out of the way, the road is paved to a future reconciliation.)

IamJenna.com updates: About the secrets, Jake won’t ask, Matty won’t tell, and mom’s in the closet.  Ping!  Anon commenter reminds Jenna it’s her mom’s secret to tell. In the end it doesn’t matter, because Lacey finally comes clean to Cute Dad (whose name is Kevin apparently). There’s a knock at Jenna’s back door which sets up the obligatory be-hymen reference. It’s Jake, he’s nervous—why did Jenna want to talk? Because she’ not “in” love with that other guy anymore, she’s “in”vested in Jake (vested is so not the same as love, I would like to point out). They kiss and it’s totally…asexual. Guy’s there is no heat with this couple. Like I said before, Jake Rossati will not make it out of the friend zone.

Best quote I’m totally gonna use: Amasian-ing!

Best Jenna/Matty moment: The adorbs little smile  Matty gives after he declares his love.